Jun 18

151. When your butt itches but you can’t find the moment to scratch

What the heck is an itch?

Do we have any doctor readers here? Sometimes it feels as though the whole experience is mental, and that I can make it go away with the power of my mind. Hey, it works with stomach aches. What weirds me out is how contagious it is.

Think of this:

Right there, where you are sitting (toilet, cubicle, or bed), imagine the feeling of walking into a spider web and then a fly buzzing around your ear. All of a sudden, you feel it. Your lower back. There it is.. an itch. You feel it at one point.

You want to scratch.

Don’t do it just yet. Watch what it does.

It is literally crawling. It spreads around, now its climbing up higher, to your left side, then your right. You can’t resist it. Its there.

Its higher now.

Now at two points, and it is getting more intense. Ahh! Scratch scratch scratch!

See?

How the heck does it work?

What sucks is when you get an itch on your butt and you’re out somewhere where you can’t scratch. Yup, there are no walls around, and people are everywhere. You may be visiting your girlfriend’s relatives or during a fancy dinner. You can be waiting in line at Starbucks. Itching badly and nowhere to go.

Or when your hands are full and you can’t scratch?

How about women in their huge wedding dresses. Ouch. Now that would really suck.

One solution is to run off to a bathroom and scratch there, since they are usually repeat scratches. Scratching it may cause the itch to continue even longer, but ignoring it intensifies the itch.

So awkward.

Jun 17

8 Comments

How to Act Like Yourself Around Your Crush

150. Trying to act cool around someone you like

You hear about this all over the place: When you tell a couple of friends that you have a huge crush on some girl, and then they try to leave you two alone, and suddenly their new life goal is to make it awkward for you every time she’s around.

Like if she comes by and sits next to you, everyone suddenly starts looking at you two. As if a rainbow is going to show up above both of you out of nowhere.

Of COURSE it is difficult to act like yourself around your crush, so here are some tips to follow:

1. Don’t tell the whole world about it, at least not right away. They will make it awkward for you and for the other person. Guaranteed. Even if they don’t do it directly, you’re bound to become more self-conscious. That leads to awkwardness.

2. Stop talking so much. Enough said.

3. If you’re acting too nervous, take a break. Tell him/her that you have to use the restroom, have to answer a phone call, or that you need to feed your Tamagotchi really quick. Anything to get you out of there to give you about 45 seconds to regroup and calm down.

4. Be yourself. Unless you kinda suck. Most people don’t, so you’re most likely clear and are OK with just being yourself. You want this person to like you for who you are, right?

Things get pretty uncomfortable around that one special person:

Suddenly your planned conversations fail right after saying “Hello,” and other times you can’t keep your voice from cracking, or acting shaky and nervous. Perhaps you find yourself saying “me too” way too often, or you act so strange that the other person ends up asking you if you’re OK.

Anyone been in a situation like that? What would your advice be?

Jun 17

2 Comments

Your Internet Search History

I was recently reminded about what Google.com stores in their huge servers, and instead of being worried about searching for ways to clean my dog’s pee stains from white carpet, I began to wonder about all of the other dumb stuff I’ve searched in all the time I’ve had access to the internet.

I’ve searched for the correct spelling of really easy words, for the amount of water to add to a rice cooker, and lots of searches for flash games. As I’ve said in a previous post, in which people find this blog by searching for “I have to pee really badly”. And it happens often. Others just like to brag about their new video games, or about their high scores on pocketfruity.com, right on the search bar. Hey, whatever floats their boats, right?

I understand that many conspiracy theorists stay away from such places, and believe that Facebook is really created by the government to find out information about us and what we’re doing, and to find out what the spaghetti we had for dinner looks like with a vintage filter lens. Yeah yeah, so it may happen. I’m mostly just embarrassed to think that someday I’ll be able to see a list of all the things I’ve searched for.

Of course there are other touchy subjects, like when people go online searching for inappropriate things, or really weird freaky things.. like those videos on YouTube about people getting hit in their private parts. Ouch! Why would anyone search for those things?

One of my favorite things now is the little search suggestion box thing that appears when you enter something on Google. Earlier today, I entered “mil..” and “mila kunis feet” popped up. What the heck? People search for some pretty strange stuff nowadays..

What kind of things would show up on your search history?