68. Farting in front of your partner for the first time
You know, starting a new relationship means having to learn how to fart silently once again. Read more
Posts tagged ‘fart’
Jul 28
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Jun 30
52. When it sounds like you farted
(. . but you didn’t).
Talk about awkward! Sometimes I stick to leather seats in cars (I’m not sure why). It doesn’t bother me very much, but whenever I try to move in my seat I hear a loud farting sound. It isn’t that bad when I’m by myself, but whenever other people are around things get a little difficult and I, just like the general public, have to make an important instant decision to the best of my ability (which may depend on several factors including, but not limited to: current mood, if I’m sleepy, hunger level, and environment). These decisions may affect the way other people look at you, and if you’re trying to make a good impression you don’t want to mess this up. This is more common than you think, your shoe may decide to make a farting sound if it rubs against something else, your chair might move and make the noise. . It happens, folks. Here are your options:
[Insert fart sound here]
A) Pretend it never happened. If you were talking, keep doing it. If you were just sitting somewhere silently when the noise was heard, do not freeze nor make awkward eye contact with anybody, because you would be setting yourself up for failure. Just act like nothing happened, and eventually people will forget it.
B) Announce the truth. You hear people say “I have to fart.” all of the time, you are probably familiar with these people. I’ve tried this option before when I lightly kicked a bag and it made a farting sound, so I put my hands up and said “It was the bag, not me.” which made everybody suspicious. It didn’t work for me, but it might work for you. Try it and tell me how it goes.
C) Try to replicate the sound. One of the more common ones is just to try to make the sound again, to demonstrate something other than your butt made the noise. A word of caution: sometimes you cannot replicate the sound and you’ll just look weird trying to do it.
D) Blame someone else. You can’t go wrong with this! Actually you can. . . hmm.. Nevermind.
Jun 15
45. Getting a call while sitting on the toilet
A lot of things can be considered unacceptable nowadays: Farting while on a formal dinner, stealing from an old lady, and multitasking if one of those tasks includes urinating.
One that our technological society is still refusing to accept is answering a call while you’re sitting on the toilet. Pay attention everybody, cell phones were created to tie us down and force us to be at the disposal of the others at all times. How many times has your cell phone rang while it is inconvenient to answer? What do you do? That’s easy. You silence it, or just ignore it and enjoy your ringtone. Some of us though, are a bit different; maybe the word I’m looking for is more “polite” or “nicer”.
I feel bad when I don’t answer a phone call. So many people send a text instead nowadays, that a call is like “Whoa! Someone is actually calling me!” I bet some people out there wish for a phone that would just text and not include a voice plan.
Back to our feature presentation:
Suppose you are relaxing on the toilet (.. err or um, what ever you call it), and your phone starts to ring. Oh wow, it is the call you have been waiting for! Yes! They are calling you back to offer you an interview to work at their company. Oh wait, you’re busy.
Perhaps it is a bit painful to just watch a call go to waste if you’re not actually busy, you’re just waiting to finish pooping. I don’t know how intense these sessions might get for some of you, but typically there isn’t much action; there is just a lot of waiting involved. So while you’re awkwardly sitting there just looking at your phone play your favorite John Mayer song, the person on the other line is waiting for something too: for you to answer!
This can be a bit more awkward in public restrooms, and even more so when your ringtone is just plain embarrassing and it scares the comrades on the surrounding bathroom stalls.
What ever you decide to do in such a situation, take into consideration that many people tend to imagine what the other person is doing when they call them. If I call someone and I hear a lot of wind in the background, I imagine that they are in a car. Or horseback riding. If you hear a lot of people talking [party], if the person is screaming at you [at a concert], if you hear somewhat of an echo [in the bathroom. . . or in a cave].
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