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Awkward Advice: List of Awkward Things to Say

Awkward Things

Hello fellow internet searcher,

Welcome to another segment of “Awkward Advice.” This is your host, Awkwardlist aka Edwin. Which search will I choose.. hmm… “freakin’ nude scene”…. is NOT what I will pick. Here is a list of awkward things to say:

  1. “How is your banana?” literally what this guy next to me asked the coffee shop guy. He responded with “you mean how much is it? or how is it?”
  2. Hello sweet cheeks — Only awkward if you’re a creepy old guy and you’re talking to a woman you don’t know.
  3. Dayuuum — Say it to a baby in a stroller.
  4. Do you take care of your horse? –Haha! It sounds like you asked… oh never mind.
  5. My butt itches –Say it loud and proud, if you’re at a party… stop the music and then announce it.
  6. Call things “ebony” instead of “black” –A few people will know what you’re talking about.
  7. Say bye to your friend as they’re leaving, and then walk in the same direction — Hahaha gets me every time.

Let’s make it awkward! So there you go, guy. Have fun and thanks for your question. It will be published internationally with the exceptions of North Korea, China, and a bunch of other countries where people don’t get internet.


P.S. Please enjoy this photo of when trees attack:

When trees attack

When trees attack

Care for some oran juice?

Oran Juice?

Sure, I love oran juice.

Are you one of those people that likes to enunciate words all properly? Instead of “gonna” you say “going to” and instead of “walk” you say “wall-k”? Okay, just kidding on that last one. But today, I had to find a place with wifi and I decided to go to a McDonald’s that has a low morning traffic in the dining room (err, breakfasting room), and when I asked for an orange juice, the lady at the counter said:

“Okay, you’d like one or-an-ge, ju-ice?”

She said: orange, juice. Orange, comma, juice. Who even says that!?

Is she one of those people that say things like “a whole, other, story” instead of a “whole nother story“? (there’s a post on that)

Yes, I will take an orange, juice, and that’s all. Thank you. Orange juice is difficult to say, just like eating bagel sandwiches. They’re tiring. When I get really old and my teeth no longer work, I’ll probably be able to eat the same foods still because I like to choose easy to chew and soft and mushy foods. Chewing a bagel is way too difficult of a job to do early in the morning. Haha #firstworldproblems #amiright?

I think this became apparent to me because I’m reading a book by Haruki Murakami called Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, in which a librarian likes to pronounce things in dashes like.. “un-ic-orns,” or stuff like that. I don’t know exactly what that sounds like since I have a hard time pronouncing words that I have only read in the past, like the name Liesl, so I guess that’s why my thoughts went to how this lady pronounced the words “orange, juice.”

What ever guys. Obviously I have a lot of stuff going in my life.

Coffee Shop Culture: Which one are you?

I’ve spent a lot of time in coffee shops over the years and I still like them. And, well, sure you may be thinking of Starbucks or Peet’s Coffee or.. Seattle’s Best (which major ones have I missed?), I’m talking smaller shops.

The best coffee shop is the one where you feel the most comfortable in. I like quiet ones; even dead quiet ones where their Pandora radio station or XM radio isn’t working so you’re forced to listen to people typing or the occasional popping fart from people drinking coffee and trying to hold it in. Obviously your stomach will become overactive, right? You’re drinking caffeine! Do you guys think its only your mind “speeding up” or your heart turning from a constant beat to a buzzing sound, like when you trap a fly between the window and the window screen? No, no, no! Your guts start churning faster too, they try to digest things quicker, also your minor twitching becomes even more hardcore… what would normally be a tiny little vibration on your arm suddenly becomes a violent up and down motion that tries to slap your face.

But don’t just take my word for it, check out these boring websites: Coffee & Health or Caffe Moak and they’ll tell you a bunch of facts that you don’t need to learn right now, but basically… yes, it can make you fart. It can also dehydrate you.. but whatever, I like coffee.

So back to the original idea: how come coffee shops aren’t better equipped to handle people pooping and farting while in their shops? Of course I don’t mean literally pooping in their chairs, I mean more like.. an extra amount of toilet seat covers in their bathrooms or, heck, MORE THAN ONE RESTROOM!? Have you ever been to a Starbucks that has NO restroom? (mostly in super urban downtown areas, where the transient population is high). It’s like… uh? You’re serving coffee, of course you’re going to have to wait in line for the restroom if the person is taking a massive dump in there. Uh, maybe some reading material, better air fresheners. Coffee shop owners, take note.

I become a regular at a coffee shop no matter where I am, and right now, I found mine at Cafe Legato here in San Jose, California. Simple, quiet, and classical music themed. Who can pass up a pastry for $0.85? Anyway, the owners here know my regular drink, and they know that I stay here for a long time. I also have a Coffee Shop Buddy, but she doesn’t know it yet so I guess we’re in an open coffee shop buddy relationship because she goes to other shops too and so do I because we trust each other and.. okay, maybe that’s the wrong analogy. We acknowledge each other in the mornings, and we work on our own things separately all day long.

From where I sit, literally in the corner of the shop.. –Oh, let me take a photo. One second.


–Here we go. See, I have a clear view on everything. So I notice the:

Person who doesn’t get off their cell phone when they order, so the poor guy behind the counter tries to repeat their order or get confirmation on something and gets a nod and a finger sign language thing common of cell phone talkers.

The woman and the crying kid who orders a small chocolate milk or an apple juice and then takes forever to decide what she wants so the kid grows impatient and starts running around saying hi to everyone. Yay.

Indecisive one, the person who actually becomes embarrassed by his inability to order something, that he lets everybody in line order first and then can’t get himself back in line. He finally decides on a regular coffee and then regrets it.

The other day, this one guy came in making a scene because his car got towed. He left it overnight at in a private parking lot, I mean.. c’mon man. He asked everybody in a whiney voice where his car was. I just turned up my music and watched a YouTube video even harder. Nobody told him anything, besides, he was disrupting a piece by Mozart. Uh, get out of here, guy!

I know that many of you are bloggers and authors and readers.. where do you prefer to work? At home, or a coffee shop of some sort? At a park? What kind of coffee shop characters have you noticed?


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