Categories Awkward

#14 Pooping at a friend's house

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I hope your weekend was filled with a lot of  fun and awkward moments. You might have done this one recently actually, it is quite common. Something involving the infamous “May I use your bathroom?” question.

When you are visiting your friends at their house, there are several things that you just do not do. Some of these involve hitting on your friend’s mom, change the channel on TV without asking, among other things. Going to the bathroom is perfectly natural and is definitely widely accepted in most homes in America.

But it doesn’t stop it from being awkward.

It becomes extra awkward if some of these are present. Add the following items on the list together and you’re guaranteed to have an awesome situation going:

1) The bathroom is right next to the communal areas such as the living room or den where everyone is hanging out.

2) Background noise is not present. The television is off, the radio is not playing music, and nobody is having a loud, outgoing conversation; the sound of your urine hitting the water in the toilet bowl will become clearly audible outside of the restroom.

3) You have to poop. Of course, taking longer than a minute in there is clear announcement that you had to do more serious business. Among the many factors that are involved in pooping, the odor might be of most concern, especially if you’re a woman (for further information, give me your email by signing up for my Awkwardlist newsletter).

Oh but wait.. there’s more:

4) Someone will be using the bathroom right after you.

There are many other ways in which this could turn out worse, I mean someone could take the time to ask you if you’re “OK” in there. You could run out of toilet paper. There could be no air freshener, the toilet might clog. . heck it might not even flush. My best tip here is to try not to think about all of these possible (horrible) scenarios. What are the chances that they might happen anyway?

P.S. However, if these do happen to you, please submit your story to awkwardlist.com. No? Aw, come on! . . . Fine.

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48 comments

48 comments

  1. First of all, great post, and very relatable. I cannot poop at a friend’s house. If we’re at a dinner part, I eat like a bird making sure to pass up any of the ‘dangerous” food.
    If, the urge does strike, and I can’t quickly get out of the house to find the nearest gas station or something, I go through a quick “save to poop” procedure- 1) is there another bathroom I can use? 2)is the TP stocked? 3) is there air fresher (I carry perfume in my purse just for this very reason) 4) on a scale of 1-5, how bad is this poop going to be? Can I hold it? 5) Make my husband take the blame.
    http://www.dontmakethatface.com

    1. Oh I knew there was an explanation for the bathroom smelling awfully good after a woman went in there.. she used perfume!

      Love option number 5.. hahaha.

      Thanks, and thank you for visiting! I’ll be heading over to your blog soon 🙂

      Edwin

  2. Edwin, so funny!

    My son, always has to go before we leave somewhere and we’re running late. Come on…he’s already heard the phrase “You gotta pinch it off.” from my husband.

    I did not think this would be a phrase uttered in our house hold until about the age of 10-maybe 12. Yet, we came to that road early at age of 6.

    To further this, we as a family, always have to break in some new toilet wherever we are…one of us has to go once we spend 5 minutes in Home Depot or a friend’s house…it’s classic. We expect it now. We call it the Ormsby Break in…oh, we haven’t broke that place in yet! who’s gotta go?

    Not that we want to, it’s just inevitable! When it happens frequently, you tend to get over the awkward part and move into acceptance. **sigh!** You learn to make fun of yourself!

    Let’s get a hamburger. “I’ve gotta go potty!” Of course you do. That’s my answer now. Just assume.

    Sandi
    http://www.ahhsome.wordpress.com

  3. dude, i hate using a friend’s restroom especially if it is nastier than a public one. but if i have to i go, but pooping is off limits unless is an emergency. i go by the rule: touch as little as possible (I’ve seen nasty toilets in my life time). also you have to clean the toilet if there is poo residue left behind in the toilet (i hate touching someone’s toilet brush, i do not sit on their toilet seat… is just uncomfortable, stressful experience) you know what is more stressful (sorry if I gross you out) having to do some personal hygiene (change your tampon, maxi pad, mini pad, ipad :))). you can not throw that shit in their trash can, what if you clog the toilet…really problematic. another awkward moment i experienced: i was 13 and i walked in while my parents where doing the nasty ewwww just fucking grossssss. i was stuck w/ that shit on my retina for years, very hard to recover :)))

    1. Dude! The residue! One of my roommates had an infamous “mudslide” effect.. his solution? “Direct your pee stream to it so it can wash away!”

      Changing your ipad sounds like a hassle.. poor women out there.

      Edwin

  4. one awkward thing i can not stand is talking to someone and the person has something in their teeth. i will fucking stare at that the entire time. once i was talking to this person, and he had a booger sticking out a lil bit . the entire hour that booger was getting my full attention. and the dilemma is: are you gonna say something about it or just pretend is not there?

  5. I like to carry on the conversation through the toilet door, that way your friends feel a little awkward too knowing what you are up to in the toilet, I feel it takes some of the awkwardness off me!

    1. Nice! Haha. One time, my friend asked me what celebrity I found most attractive. After I told him “Jessica Alba” he was like “Ok now picture her taking a dump.” Oh no.. bad image.

      Oh man, I can’t get over the fact that you take pictures of your poop and post them online. That is freakin’ interesting. Thanks for visiting!

      Edwin

  6. I hate doing that! A couple of months ago I was hanging out at a friend’s house. I really needed to go to the bathroom and guess what?! Item number 3. Of course I took a lot of time in there, but the best part of the story is that the toilet actually clogged. Once I saw the disaster I had made, panic grew inside of me and I started looking around the room for a stick or something of the kind. Who knows? Maybe I could find something. The worst thing that could happen was that I would actually have to go and tell my friend I had almost ruined her toilet! But I had luck, I looked inside the can and there was some kind of a stick in there, like a flower stem (God knows why). I took it and struggled to unclog the toilet and flushed it immediately and my bomb flew away with success! I finally went out but I wanted to die! I was lucky though, but I hope it never happens again. Haha, just wanted to share 😀
    Hope you enjoy!

  7. I clogged my friend’s toilet once. I was in 10th grade and had come home with her after school. I had been constipated for several days and it was really, really ready by the time I got to her house. I told her I needed to poo badly and she said to go ahead. Fortunately she had put the tv on, so I had privacy. I took forever in the bathroom, pushing and alternating between sitting and hovering to try to hurry things up; I just needed to get rid of it in the worst way. When I was done (whew! relief!), I knew it wasn’t going to flush, but I hoped it would. Of course, it didn’t. My friend said she could get it to flush. She came into the bathroom and commented that I really had been constipated (at the time, it probably was one of the longest, thickest turds I had ever done!). She put on disposable gloves and told me to flush after she broke it into smaller pieces. I still can’t believe she put her gloved hands into the toilet and touched my turd. A very awkward moment.

  8. One time i was over at a friends house and i really had to go. After i was done the toilet wouldn’t flush. I panicked. Would i actually have to tell my friend my crap was stuck in the toilet? Thankfully i got it to flush. wwwwwwwoa that was a close one.

  9. I try to make it awkward-when i go i made more noise than nessasry! Once i did it at school and i could hear the person waiting out side my stall laughimg!!

  10. Hey people….
    My little sister (11 years old) told me earlier she hasnt been able to poop in 3 days. Im worried about her but shes to embarrassed for anyone else to know. We cant get medicine for it without our mom finding out, and she eats fiber…. Maybe not enough though. Any advice??
    Also:
    She normally goes once a day
    She only goes at home, which shouldnt be a problem sice were homeschooled.

  11. unlike most people, I only poop at my bffs house. I like in a loft and she lives one floor up. pooping at my house is awkward cause I take like ten minutes and my older sis always makes an embarrassing comment when I come out! It’s never been a problem through, since I go up there everyday anyway…. 😀

  12. one time I complained of a bad stomach ache so my older sister brought me to the doctor’s. it turned out I was constipated so I got laxatives. well, I took them right when I got home, and literally 2 minutes later I got a call from my friend inviting me to sleepover her house that night. of course I said yes. bad decision. at like 7:30 we decided to watch a movie. in about the middle of the movie I really had to poop. I just got up and said I had to get something in my bags upstairs. I told her to just keep watching and she did. I ran up the stairs and went in the bathroom. I serious’ll y took like 20 minutes!! when I opened to door…. brother was s t landing right in front of the door waiting!! worst part: he asked me if I was ok!!

  13. Since I was like 9 I was always afraid of pooping around people. My sisters would always make fun of me because I would always stink up the bathroom. Now that i’m 12 (Boy) almost every time I poop my poop clogs the toilet. That is really embarrassing. From now on when I take a shower I turn on the water quickly go poop and then nobody can hear my poop falling into the toilet. I quickly wipe my butt and flush the toilet. The water covers up the noise.

  14. I recently went on a school trip to Washington DC and there were 4 boys per room. One toilet! When I had to poop I waited till they were out of the room and said that I had to change. During that time I pooped. I worked!

  15. I was at the mall and my friend dared me to go to the bathroom and poop really loud. So I did, why not?! I went as loud as possible and took my time. I heard this girl ask her mom if I was in pain and why I was making those noises and her mom said, she’s probably just constipated. Thanks to my friend my friend added on that I “hadn’t gone in a month” and stuff….so awkward when I came out….

  16. I was constipated and I didn’t want to tell my mom, so I told my really close friend. Like a day later she brought it up again, (asking if I was okay) and my mom apparently over heard. Later that day after my friend left, she asked me a bunch of questions about it,I lied for most of them so it didn’t sound as bad as it was. But, she brought me to the doctor anyways. They gave me medicine and I was cured by that night, but now my mom makes me tell her every time I go, and if I go more then a day, I have to sit until I do…. and she waits right outside the door so there’s no faking….

  17. Omg today i was hang out with my friends and we got to the playground in front of our siblings elementary. So we were hanging around, playing on the equipment and I had this killer stabbing pain and I knew I had to poop cus I just finish my period so no way is this cramps. Anyway I thought it wasn’t that bad since after awhile the pain went away. Anyway I thought it was over until later the pain came back with a revenge I HAD to find a washroom and fast!!! I didn’t want to tell my friend I had to poop so I told them I’m about to explode and need to pee because we drank a lot of soda a while back. So my friend and I found a door open, and went into the school. We were looking for a washroom when some guy pop outta nowhere and asked us what we were doing. I thought we were going to jail for breaking and entering!! But I ask for a toilet and he let me use the staff toilet 😉 so I pooped as fast as I could so my friend would think I wqs pooping or had slipped and died or something. I think she kinda figured cus I was pooping so loud it felt like the whole world from outside could hear it ;( but she didn’t say anything…. then I told her about how the toilet paper are the crappy ones that don’t spin when you pull and it took forever to get toilet paper to fill the silence as I washed my hands :S yup that was my experience 🙁 ekkk maybe I should’ve told her 🙁 idk it’s just too awkward…

  18. I remember my mom once told never poop at school (I don’t know why) but one Faust school (I was in like 3rd grade) and I had a really bad stomach ache and I went to the nurse and they asked me if I had to go #2 and I had no idea what that was so I asked them of course and they were like “pooooooop” and so I went to the bathroom and just stood in there no pooping because my mom said not to then I flushed the toilet and said I still felt bad. The End~

  19. I took a shit at my friends house and the toilet clogged so I left and went to bed they asjed what happened and I said idk I didnt use the bathroom at all did one of you guys? So thts how I handles the situation

  20. I was at a friends house and I had to pee so when I went in the bathroom
    There was poop in the toilet just there. (And it was also odd because I could just flush it) so when I came out of the bathroom, I for some reason, was like “I think your brother didn’t flush” because he was the only one down there. Then I looked at her face and I realized it was her and I forgot she had gone downstairs minutes before me.

  21. I was at my boyfriends house yesterday, and we were sitting on the couch talking when i really needed to poop i’d been staying in his house for 3 days and hadn’t gone at all and i just had to go! I tried holding it, but started making weird noises..i tried to laugh it off saying it was my stomach grumbling from hunger then went to “pee” the bathroom is right next to the living area and the other side it his brothers bedroom, his brother was sleeping in the room with his mom on his computer! No background noise anywhere like you would be able to hear a pin drop! I had no choice but to go, i thought it’s be better to get it over with than have an accident… so i proceeded and went in I put tissue in the toilet first to stop any splashing and went i managed to be as quiet as possible, then i turned on the tap to make it sound like i was done…. but no, there was more! 🙁 Literally never had that much in my life before!! But with it taking so long the room stank and there was no window in the bathroom, they just have a fan which to my luck was broken! So i hoped for the best and flushed the toilet…. the toilet clogged and water started filling up the bowl, it didn’t overflow luckily so i looked around for a plunger but no luck they only had a toilet brush! So i tried to break it up, while i waited for the tank to fill again… the smell was terrible, then someone tried to open the door, obviously needing to use the bathroom! I went into panic mode…. i grabbed 4 plastic bags and took it out of the toilet closing the bags tightly and flushed one last time…, the toilet was fine, but the smell! They had soap, plastic bags, gloves but no air freshener! I just took off my jumper put the bag underneath and walked out! I went back in and pretended i was looking for my phone the whole time… my boyfriend decided he’d help me look…. the first place he checks is the bathroom and is horrified by the smell! Im standing behind as red as a tomato pretending not to notice! His mam walks into the bathroom and walks straight back out saying “who did that” My boyfriend was like “not me”, the brother was still asleep and it obviously wasn’t her since she’s just going to use the bathroom so all the fingers point at me! I got a really disgusted look! I was tempted to deny it but there was no point, the mother seen me go in and come out and my boyfriend knew i went to “pee” I was literally so mortified!!

  22. one time I went to the bathroom at a friends house I had to go reeeeal baaad so i went took a good dump and flushed and came out later a friend went in and was horrified by the smell! XP

  23. Let me tell you another this wasn’t embaressing for me thou….exactly. One day a friend came over to my house to play a few video games. About a hour or two later he asked if he could go to the bathroom. I was actually a little nervous cause we were low on toilet paper and we didn’t have any extra nor did we have money too get any. (we were in financial trouble.) so anyways I said yeah sure. Hoping he just had to pee. Nope a few minutes went by and he wasn’t out then a loud blaring noise could be heard. I forgot what it was but when you hit it hard it makes a loud noise til turned off. Anyways I heard him say ouch and knocked asking if everything was okay? He asked for help and i walked in he hit his head on the thing and since i didnt know how to turn it off my mom had to walk into the bathroom to and turn it off once that disaster was over we left and he went back taking care of his buisiness. A few minutes later he calls and TADA ask for some toilet paper. My mom ask me to run to their house and get (c)

  24. Some. (their house was down the block.) so here I was running down the block to my friends house to get toilet paper. His sister answered and i asked she looked at me strange but gave it too me. I ran back and opened the bathroom door a crack and extended my hand to give him the toilet paper. He said thanks and took it. He flushes and yup….it clogs…my mom goes back in there and unclogs it…my friends stays a little longer than leaves. Once he left my mom whispered to me and said His Poop Sure Does Stink! Soooo embaressing for me and my friend Dx

  25. One time I needed to poop at a friends house and once I was about to flush the loo, thinking “what are the chances that the loo will block?” I then flushed the loo and the water rised really high but eventually lowered down (the poop didn’t budge). I then checked to see if there was a toilet plunger so it could get sucked down the loo. There wasn’t one and by this time I had tried flushing it 4 times with no progress. As a last resort I then used the scrubbing brush to force it down the loo, which smeared all over the toilet bowl. I didn’t manage to flush it down but had just pushed the poop further down the loo where you can’t see it (unless you crouch down and look at the extension to the toilet bowl where the waste gets flushed down). Being in another friends house I could’t do anything else to solve it as I would have died of embarrassment. I then tried to clear up the vicious skid marks I had created, which was a bit of a challenge as I couldn’t flush those particles down, as the poop was wedged further down the loo. I did my best and it had all just about got out of sight (not to mention the stench etc.) I left the bathroom after about 20 minutes having had my friends call me a fair few times wondering what I was up to in there. I left the loo, trying to forget it even happened, but worst was to come. My friend went after me (for a no. 2 without realising at the time) and then after 5 minutes came out of the bathroom whispering to me “I’ve just blocked the toilet”. Him being at his own house meant that he could get the problem sorted out, but inside I felt really nervous and guilty. The problem got sorted out although I have no idea how or when it got sorted out, as later I was in that bathroom and the loo flushed as though nothing ever happened to it!

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