Tell Me If This Has Happened To You
I was taking care of business one lonely Wednesday afternoon in a restroom with about five toilet stalls. (For those of you [women] that are not familiar with men’s restrooms, they have toilet stalls and urinals. Urinals are for peeing, toilets are for pooping.) Remember, it was a lonely afternoon, so I was had the whole restroom to myself! Yeah! Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long because then I heard someone opening the door. He walked in, talking to himself (it sounded like he was half-singing “Love Story” by Taylor Swift) and chose my neighbor stall. Did he know I was there? I tried to make it obvious by tapping the toilet paper holder thing, and even went as far as making a grunting noise to warn the intruder.
It didn’t matter to him. He sat down and dropped the bomb (we’re allowed to use that word in blogs right? I don’t want to get another surprise visit by the FBI). Eventually, I realized that he didn’t really mind sitting in the bathroom stall next to someone else’s, since, after an awkward silence of no action going on, he managed to say:
“Aye bro, nice shoes.”
Well.. they were pretty cool-looking new Vans. Thanks man!
Bathroom Stall Etiquette
You have probably heard about bathroom etiquette in the past. First, let’s make sure that we’re on the same page here; I’m talking about those things dealing with the urinals and how– alright, might as well explain it:
1) You may not under any circumstance use a urinal next to one that is currently being used.
2) If the only urinal available is in between two guys, you must wait a safe distance from the scene of the urinating. Every once in a while, a brave but ignorant soul will take the chance and take the empty urinal. Do not follow his lead.
3) While in the toilet stalls, do not speak on your cell phone and keep all body parts inside your specified business area.
4) Do not apologize for farting. Hey, it’s natural.
5) If you really messed up the human gas to oxygen level ratio in the restroom and it feels as though you’re suffocating, do not come out of the stall smiling about it. You have ruined the bathroom experience for many. What is so funny about that?
What To Do
Anyway, when we are pooping and someone comes and uses the our neighbor stall we feel it. The awkward. We can no longer be free to express ourselves until he or she leaves. So what do you do? Well you could hold it until the other person leaves, but that is time consuming. You could just not care and finish up, or you could rush your experience. You can do what ever you want. I mean it could get worse:
What if you are both be waiting for each other to finish. You two will never get out. Awkward. Worse-er –What if someone else decides to join and wait.
Sandi Ormsby says
OMG- you are a gem! Where’ve you been! You remind me of Nathan Badley, Life and Time of Nathan Badley (he’s in the Ahhsome Community- Kansas)
I can’t believe no one is commenting right and left! I’ll help change that!
By the way, women experience this too…except we’re even more worried about “sounds” and such as we don’t “poop”…EVER. So, therefore, we can’t be the one to “stink” up a place. “Wow, what went on in here…there must be a plumbing issue, Sandi, please contact the plumber” 🙂 the joys of working as an Office Manager.
I will definitely head back to the Ahhsome Community board and look up Nathan.
Women are concerned over making sounds? Oh wow! Please be more specific. Oh wait, on second thought, I think I know what you mean. I learned something new today 🙂
Before I used to be embarrassed to poop in public (ya know, in public restrooms-don’t get any funny ideas). I used to think that “oooh, the person next to me will hear my farts or me dropping the duce”. But, anyways, I had the revelation that i don’t know these people, so eff it, why deny my natural, very anatomical instincts. Although, I will poop in a public restroom, with a person in a next stall, I have an etiquette: the courtesy flush. Drop, flush, drop, flush. I mean, I’m not gonna make the poor bastards smell my smelly demons. Also, avoid eye contact. I stay in the stall until the person leaves, washes (if they do) their hands and leave. After that I come out, so no embarrassing eye contact-witch, is kind of unnecessary and easy to avoid. I had a friend once, and she had to poo really bad but she came out complaining that she could not because there were people inside and she was ashame. Well, that is not healthy, I say! So remember, if ya gotta poo, then poo !!!
The Courtesy Flush. I like it. It even sounds nice 🙂 who would suspect that we’re talking about bathroom experiences? Ha ha! But I definitely agree with you: if you have to poo, then do it. Don’t hold it in just because you’re embarrassed! And like you said:
you don’t know these people, so eff it!
Thanks for stopping by 🙂
Ahhhh I was cracking up the entire time I was reading this post! You, sir, are a genius (by my standards anyway). And your humor seems effortless (AND brutally honest), which makes it that much more enjoyable to read your blog. I agree with the courtesy flush philosophy that ohanabee mentioned in her comment. And I can think of more than one occasion where “nature called” so I unsuspectingly walked into a crowded bathroom only to immediately turn around and walk away. And now that you mention it, I have also played the waiting game.
It’s a pity I read this article… I like the idea for this list, I like all the other posts… Exept this one. I’m not negative (hatred), it’s constructive critisism. Why do people find it bad taking the urinal next to other people? I agree, that’s not great, but it’s not the end of the world. Nor is it like he will run out the bathroom shouting “[Insert name] took the urinal next to me! He’s so gay!”. It’s not pleasant, but otherwise how will you pee? And really, I don’t see how taking the next stall is not nice. Like, it’s not as if he’s going to climb over and look at you (unless your with 10 year olds) ?
Whats your problem with this?
Lewis Wynthorp says
I REALLY want to know why (women especially) feel the need to park their asses in the stall right next to another person when there are stall options that offer a “buffer” stall between the two??? I am truly starting to think that women have a weird “neediness” that requires them to ALWAYS be near others or they are just being passive-aggressive. MOST sane ppl agree, that there is NO excuse for 2 ppl to be in side by side stalls when there are other open stalls. Does anyone have a remedy for this? Should I fart or pretend to talk on the phone or moan & groan or what do I need to do to let another woman know that her stall selection was a BAD one?