91. The string of saliva

It just keeps stretching and stretching..

Sandwiches, burritos, pizza slices.. those are some of the foods I see people eat all the time. The interesting thing about these is that they don’t fall into the category of “finger foods” (like fries, or chicken wings), and instead create their own! “Hand foods” sound too weird, so we’ll take suggestions on the new name for this kind of food that you pick up and bite.. unless you keep it weird n’ classy by eating pizza with a fork and knife.

Upon taking a bite, however, you are taking a risk. A big one too, it can happen at any moment, like when you’re eating a hot dog at a baseball game, or when you bite your french fry during your first date. You might think this will never happen to you, but when it does.. its best to be ready. Let’s discuss.

Think about normal eating procedure. Pick up, take bite, set down. Just three easy steps, but complications can occur between the second and third step. You take a bite of your burrito, and are setting it down.. when you notice a string of saliva tied to it. Eh, just keep pulling on it.. it can’t stretch forever, right? Yes! Those things CAN stretch forever! There’s just no way of proving it easily because our arms can only stretch so far. Every once in a while, it does snap and you get a micro-splash in your face (sort of like when a soap bubble bursts) but this is rare, people. You can go the other route and use your finger to try to cut it, but instead you stretch it even more. Besides, it just feels weird to touch cold spit. Here’s what you do:

1) Aim for the base of the problem. If you’re going to attempt to use your hand to get rid of it, touch your mouth with a napkin, your hand, someone else’s hand.. it doesn’t really matter what, just be sure to try there first. Survival instinct tells us to aim for the middle of the string of saliva, but no. Fight it!

2) Keep the food in bite position. What does this mean? It means to keep that burrito near your mouth in order to keep it from stretching. And then what do you do…? Yes! Take another bite. Still there? Repeat. Still there? .. Ok, try this one:

3) Distraction. If it is too late for you and another person already saw you trying to fight the saliva and things are getting awkward, tell them that they have something on their face. Or just laugh it off. Or flash a passerby. Uh, mention a line from Seinfeld. Get creative, I don’t know.. haha.

Think about how it could be worse though.. saliva strings don’t discriminate, sometimes they appear at the separation stage of a kiss.

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