Are you a loud eater? Find out!

116. When someone is chewing loudly and they don’t realize it

Have you ever tried to eat an apple at work? Do you try to not act annoyed by somebody chewing loudly next to you? Do your friends think you’re stingy because you refuse to offer them chips or pretzels but the only reason you don’t do so is because you don’t want to hear them chew?

Let’s face it, sometimes we do things that others find annoying, like licking our fingers before flipping a page of a book, missing when we pee, or letting one rip in front of your in-laws. But do you do one of the top 124,234 things that most annoy people? That’s right, I’m talking about chewing loudly; let us find out by answering the following questions truthfully:

Do people invite you out to lunch often? Eating is a highly social event, people enjoy food and they think that the joy will spread and they can actually get to like someone by eating with them, but sometimes things don’t work that way.

Does your dog stop begging for food once you start eating? The poor guy might think you’re eating gravel and dried twigs, can you blame him?

While you’re eating, do people seem to get mad at you for no reason? Aha! Well now it makes sense, right? You’re welcome.

If you think you are the only one that can hear yourself chewing, you are probably wrong.

I used to pack an apple to take to work every day. I’d take one bite out of it, let it sit there,  and watch it get brown until the end of the day. Don’t get me wrong, I love those things! I like the yellow ones. Just to be clear, I don’t judge based on the color of its skin, origin, or maturity.. I eat them all. I sometimes wonder if I was a horse in a past life; what else could explain it? Anyway, I would let it sit there because the people on the cubicles around me would hear the CRUNCH! CRUNCH CRUNCH… of the delicious apple.

They’re not like crackers, you see.. with crackers you can just leave them in your mouth and eventually they get soggy and they get eerily quiet. Apples don’t! They’re straight up legitimate noise-makers.

As comical as it can be, this can be a very big issue for some. There are groups on Facebook titled “I hate loud eaters!!!” and “I hate people that chew loud!”, seriously.

I’ll let you guys in on a personal story:

In Spanish, they are called chicharrones. In English, we call them pork rinds. The skin of a pig is ripped into tiny squares and then fried in pig fat and served with seasoning or hot sauce. As healthy and appetizing as it sounds, I am not a big fan of them. Some dude had a bag of these (Hot Cheeto-style) and was sitting behind me during a lecture on flux and electric fields. The bag was sealed when I got there, so when I heard the package being opened, I gripped my pencil tight and mentally prepared myself for what was about to happen.

The first bite wasn’t too bad, it had the intensity of the sound of an apple x10 (I think that will be our standard of measurement, 10 apple intensity), but then it got bad. Horrible. Ok, we’re all adults, I’ll just say it: it was torture.

CRUNCH!

No.

It was way worse than that. More like:

CRAKKKKK-INSERT-FINGERNAILS-SCRATCHING-AGAINST-A-BLACKBOARD-SOUND-HERE – UNCH-UNCH -MOIST-MOIST-MOIST-MOIST- SOUND-OF-A-MICROPHONE-GOING-“EEEEEE”- FEET- FEET- UNCH, CRUNCH, THAT-SOUND-THAT-COMES-OUT-AT-THE-END-OF-A-YAWN-SOMETIMES- SQUEAK!!

I’m saying like a 1.23X10^34 apple intensity.

Just when it was about to be over, and I could hear the sound getting softer, a new pork rind would enter his mouth and start it all over again. People were turning around, some people angrily put their hands next to their ears and discreetly pulled out their hair. After six pieces (yes, I remember), I turned around and said:

“Dude.”

He pointed at himself with a confused face. Everyone’s eyes were on us. I couldn’t let everyone down.. it was the moment of truth. Was I going to speak up and be a hero? Was I going to give up and ask for some pork rinds and then choke on them intentionally?

He sank in his chair and looked around at everybody.

I turned away.

He got it.

He put the bag away.

Poor guy, he was embarrassed in front of the whole class because he didn’t realize how annoying he was being. Sure, sometimes closing your mouth while chewing helps, but sometimes the muffled sound makes it resonate with the annoyous nervosious, a made up nerve located between our shoulder blades, next to the thing that causes chills.

Half way through the lecture, we heard another bag of chips being opened from the left side of the classroom. Heads turned in that direction immediately, followed by some awkward chuckles and laughter.. I guess we became a little paranoid.

Happy chewing! Ooh, and Happy Pi Day!

-Edwin

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