Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

advice

Not texting someone back and then seeing them in person

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Who here has a habit of keeping their phone on silent mode, or at least telling the whole world that you do because you don’t reply to text messages right away? Do you guys know that little “Read” option that iMessage has?

Read Receipt iMessage
Read Receipt from iMessage

It literally tells the other person if you’ve read their message or not. I think it says a lot about a person when they have that notification on. However, I’ve found that this thing causes a lot more trouble when it is on because I read a message, I say “Uh huh,” to myself, and then I go back to Netflix and then… I get another message, or grunts (when I meet up with the friend), that I never reply to messages. I mean, HELLO! You got a notification that I read your freakin’ message already, that should be good enough, right?

No.

I’ve considered just replying with a message that says “I read this.” I mean, especially when all the message said was “Hey dude I’m eating a burrito that looks like my exes’ dog lol” What in the world am I supposed to reply to that?

Anyway, I’ve bumped into friends that ask me if I’ve changed my number just to poke at the idea that I didn’t reply to their messages. The truth is, sometimes I just don’t reply because I forget.

No really, I forget to reply because I read the message while I’m doing something like brushing my teeth or frying an egg, or out with friends. What happens is, I see the message.. and if it requires a reply: “Hey, I need your advice with something real quick, my girlfriend caught me checking out her mom.” (awkward), I’ll give an answer. If it is something like “hey wuts up” I just let it slide down the priority list while I finish the chapter of the book I’m reading. Next thing you know, it has been a week and I haven’t told that person “what is actually up” so I feel like a jerk.

Do you reply to your messages right away, every time?

Nooo.. seriously, guys. Do you?

158. When your friend is being confrontational and you don't know what to do

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I was sitting outside of a study room back in college eating with a very dear friend and coworker, when an Asian dude comes by and starts smoking a cigarette right next to us. We are outdoors so of course I think its somewhat legal to do so, but I should’ve known that in the state of California there is a law that says you have to be at least 25 feet away from a building.

My friend definitely knew this. So imagine a girl with blonde hair, with salad still in her mouth, stand up and tell the guy:

“Uh, excuse me, I’m trying to eat here, can you go smoke farther away from the building?”

Horse - Haters gonna hate

This guy didn’t look mean, but he gave her a look that made her nudge like she was about to stand up.

He just nervously smiled and backed away toward some steps and leaned against a tree.

What the heck was that about? I have been in many situations where a friend of mine gets confrontational with someone else while I’m right there, pretending like I’m somewhere in-between “yeah, I’ll back you up,” and “shut up, dummy. You’re going to get us both beat up.”

Have you been in similar situations? Check the list:

  • Your friend is driving and decides to honk at someone else, and later the car pulls up on your right and look right at you.
  • Someone has cut in line in front of you and your friend doesn’t decide to just be quiet and make a nod of “WTF?” acknowledgement to the guy behind you.. but instead tells the cutter “Hey! There’s a line!”
  • The restaurant gets your order wrong and your friend decides to tell the waiter to get the manager instead of just clearing it up with the waiter himself. Cringe.
  • Some stranger on the street whistles or cat calls somehow the friend you are walking with and she (or he) decides to tell him (or her) off and adds a little sass to it.

Jeez.

What do you guys think?

Please share your experiences in the comments below!

19 Ways To Make It Awkward

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1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”

7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

Awkward Advice: List of Awkward Things to Say

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Awkward Things

Hello fellow internet searcher,

Welcome to another segment of “Awkward Advice.” This is your host, Awkwardlist aka Edwin. Which search will I choose.. hmm… “freakin’ nude scene”…. is NOT what I will pick. Here is a list of awkward things to say:

  1. “How is your banana?” literally what this guy next to me asked the coffee shop guy. He responded with “you mean how much is it? or how is it?”
  2. Hello sweet cheeks — Only awkward if you’re a creepy old guy and you’re talking to a woman you don’t know.
  3. Dayuuum — Say it to a baby in a stroller.
  4. Do you take care of your horse? –Haha! It sounds like you asked… oh never mind.
  5. My butt itches –Say it loud and proud, if you’re at a party… stop the music and then announce it.
  6. Call things “ebony” instead of “black” –A few people will know what you’re talking about.
  7. Say bye to your friend as they’re leaving, and then walk in the same direction — Hahaha gets me every time.

Let’s make it awkward! So there you go, guy. Have fun and thanks for your question. It will be published internationally with the exceptions of North Korea, China, and a bunch of other countries where people don’t get internet.

Awkwardlist

P.S. Please enjoy this photo of when trees attack:

When trees attack
When trees attack

Awkward Advice: Scared to tell my mom I clogged the toilet.

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How to eat a chocolate bar forever

Dear internet searcher, thank you for your question.

I was going to answer the other guy who asked “how to eat a chocolate bar forever” but if I knew how, I wouldn’t tell him because of diabetes. You know how it is.

So anyway, if you are scared to tell your mom that you clogged the toilet, just.. don’t tell her. I guess it’s important to know how exactly you clogged it, because if it was an excessive use of toilet paper, that’s on you. If it was a major deuce that you dropped and it didn’t flush all the way, I’m pretty sure your mom has done so too. I understand its difficult to imagine your mom pooping and clogging the toilet, but even she takes major dumps every once in a while. So here is what you should do if you’re not going to tell her:

1) Look for the little unclogger thing around somewhere, it looks like a lollipop, but upside down, and much larger, about two feet in height.

2) This part is nasty, but stick in the toilet (not the stick part.. the sucky part), and pump that thing like you’re churning butter, lining it up with the hole where the poop disappears to. Up, down, up down. Be careful of back splash (the scientific name for it is poopius splashius) its when poop particles fly in the air along with the water.

3) Lift the unclogger thing, over the toilet, and check out the damage. Did the water level drop? If so, you’re doing the right thing. Is your deuce still there?

Dude, just tell your mom.

Sincerely,

Awkwardlist

When a horse gets an erection

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I went as a chaperone for a first-grade field trip to a park. I know the field trip sounds pretty lame already but it was a huge park with lots of things to do. It had rides, sandboxes and even a petting zoo.

 

Children love animals, and they love making noises like “eww” and making gestures that explain how they are feeling at the moment like the whole “someone farted” thing where the kid clamps her nose with her hand and points at me someone.. Even though its totally natural and maybe that person had a lot of green vegetables earlier that day.

We were walking through the stables when I saw a group of kids saying eww, which apparently also attracts a large group of them. One of the kids looks up at me and asks,

“What IS that?”

“What is what?” I asked, looking around waiting to see a cow taking a massive dump or something.

Then I see it.

 

That, my friends is a picture of “Lil Sebastian” from the television show “Parks and Recreation”, but it clearly explains what I saw. And yes it is blurred.

Kids have no boundaries when it comes to awkwardness. I tried to change the subject to the ostrich eggs but they kept asking about it so I did what any mature individual would do in a situation like that: I started singing Old McDonald had a farm… What? It worked for a little bit.

Yeah…

What would YOU have done?

 

142. Being embarrassed by something that happened a long time ago

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So I was having an awesome day until I remembered something really dumb I said when I was 14.

It was one of those things, you know… when you become extremely embarrassed and wish that the moment had never happened. And you wish for that so much that eventually you block it out of your mind because if it comes back up, you’ll feel the same embarrassment all over again.

Certain situations increase the chances of you remembering such things. Things like meeting up with an old friend who knew every detail about it, and chances of it being brought up improve as the inebriation level increases whilst around said friend.

Contrary to popular belief, I don’t have too many of those situations. Ugh, I’m doing it again. I’m remembering the time I wrote a letter and it was found by someone who gave it to the girl, AKA the subject of the whole thing. Thank you, people. You’re making me remember all of it. I guess it could have been worse, though.

Sometimes, people feel that way when they think about their past relationships. For the guys out there, how many times do you wish you hadn’t done something for a woman? You think you’re being all sweet and stuff by getting her things and saying cheesy stuff, and then you break up and it all comes back to masticate you in the gluteals. Soon after, you can imagine her telling all her friends about how you made a complete fool of yourself when in reality she might just find it funny and only tells her new boyfriends.

Or ladies! Ever thought about a guy from your past and have been all like, “I cannot believe myself!”? Yes, us here at Awkward List (well, just me), cannot believe you either. But yes you did tell him that, and yes you let him do those things. Yes, we know, we know.. he said he would change, and yes you should’ve listened to your friends.

Aha!

Have you thought of something you that makes you feel the humiliation all over again yet?

Oops.

Now you have to share 🙂 Email me at awkwardlist (at) gmail (dot) com or submit it in the comments section please!

Oh about the letter? She said no.

Arigato.

Have a good weekend, everybody!

Edwin