Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

fart

Trying to fart

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You  know how when you try to fart as you’re walking,  it comes out as a series of pops?

Well, most of the time, right? Lets not get too technical here.

I was walking around downtown, heading toward a burrito place I discovered thanks to some guy that was asking for signatures to legalize marijuana, when I turned the corner in a construction zone. It was one of those areas where you can hardly find anyone walking, shady (like actual shade, not “shady”. Oh, and shady too, I guess), and found an older woman doing a funky squat thing, I thought she was trying to reach for something in her back pocket, but then I heard a fart. In an attempt not to laugh, I semi-sneezed and she turned around and looked right at me. She started walking, only to release a series of pops with about one second in between and perfectly in sync with her left foot touching the ground. Fortunately for both of us, I had my earphones on with no music playing in order to avoid having to sign petitions and a good reason to talk to myself because people think I’m on my headset, so I just pretended not to hear anything.

I passed the lady in order to avoid the trail of gas, when I began to actually analyze the situation. How many people are trying to cut the cheese at this moment? Have we all mastered The Art of the Silent Fart?

Sometimes, when I hold it too long, I can actually feel it going up my guts again, and it sounds just like the real thing. It sounds like a cat purring, and other times its just like an angry dog trying to win a tug-of-war against you and you fear for a millisecond that it will actually bite you.  Which reminds me, have you ever farted around a dog and scared them? They look at you like: huh? Was that me or you?

When I see a person at a coffee shop trying to lean in one direction, while discreetly lifting up their left butt cheek from their seat, are they actually farting? And come on! How can people not be farting around, or stinking up the bathroom, we’re at a coffee shop. What else can we expect?

Dog

52. When it sounds like you farted

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(. . but you didn’t).

Talk about awkward! Sometimes I stick to leather seats in cars (I’m not sure why). It doesn’t bother me very much, but whenever I try to move in my seat I hear a loud farting sound. It isn’t that bad when I’m by myself, but whenever other people are around things get a little difficult and I, just like the general public, have to make an important instant decision to the best of my ability (which may depend on several factors including, but not limited to: current mood, if I’m sleepy, hunger level, and environment). These decisions may affect the way other people look at you, and if you’re trying to make a good impression you don’t want to mess this up. This is more common than you think, your shoe may decide to make a farting sound if it rubs against something else, your chair might move and make the noise. .  It happens, folks. Here are your options:

[Insert fart sound here]

A) Pretend it never happened. If you were talking, keep doing it. If you were just sitting somewhere silently when the noise was heard, do not freeze nor make awkward eye contact with anybody, because you would be setting yourself up for failure. Just act like nothing happened, and eventually people will forget it.

B) Announce the truth. You hear people say “I have to fart.” all of the time, you are probably familiar with these people. I’ve tried this option before when I lightly kicked a bag and it made a farting sound, so I put my hands up and said “It was the bag, not me.” which made everybody suspicious. It didn’t work for me, but it might work for you. Try it and tell me how it goes.

C) Try to replicate the sound. One of the more common ones is just to try to make the sound again, to demonstrate something other than your butt made the noise. A word of caution: sometimes you cannot replicate the sound and you’ll just look weird trying to do it.

D) Blame someone else. You can’t go wrong with this! Actually you can. . .  hmm.. Nevermind.

45. Getting a call while sitting on the toilet

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A lot of things can be considered unacceptable nowadays: Farting while on a formal dinner, stealing from an old lady, and multitasking if one of those tasks includes urinating.

One that our technological society is still refusing to accept is answering a call while you’re sitting on the toilet. Pay attention everybody, cell phones were created to tie us down and force us to be at the disposal of the others at all times. How many times has your cell phone rang while it is inconvenient to answer? What do you do? That’s easy. You silence it, or just ignore it and enjoy your ringtone. Some of us though, are a bit different; maybe the word I’m looking for is more “polite” or “nicer”.

I feel bad when I don’t answer a phone call. So many people send a text instead nowadays, that a call is like “Whoa! Someone is actually calling me!” I bet some people out there wish for a phone that would just text and not include a voice plan.

Back to our feature presentation:

Suppose you are relaxing on the toilet (.. err or um, what ever you call it), and your phone starts to ring. Oh wow, it is the call you have been waiting for! Yes! They are calling you back to offer you an interview to work at their company. Oh wait, you’re busy.

Perhaps it is a bit painful to just watch a call go to waste if you’re not actually busy, you’re just waiting to finish pooping. I don’t know how intense these sessions might get for some of you, but typically there isn’t much action; there is just a lot of waiting involved. So while you’re awkwardly sitting there just looking at your phone play your favorite John Mayer song, the person on the other line is waiting for something too: for you to answer!

This can be a bit more awkward in public restrooms, and even more so when your ringtone is just plain embarrassing and it scares the comrades on the surrounding bathroom stalls.

What ever you decide to do in such a situation, take into consideration that many people tend to imagine what the other person is doing when they call them. If I call someone and I hear a lot of wind in the background, I imagine that they are in a car. Or horseback riding. If you hear a lot of people talking [party], if the person is screaming at you [at a concert], if you hear somewhat of an echo [in the bathroom. . . or in a cave].

Image source

25. Silence in a crowded elevator

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Ever stepped into an elevator by yourself?
Some people have a fear of these small boxes that move up and down in a narrow tube in some hidden corner of a building. The way I describe it, it sounds like I’m one of those people.. but no. I’m actually fearful of the awkward moments involved when other people are in the elevator.

Yes, people can fart, a stomach might growl, but what do you do when there is no noise in there at all?

When people think of awkward moments, the thought of an awkward silence comes to mind. You know, when you’re out eating with your friends and then nobody has anything to say.. yeah, I feel awkward already.

Anyway, suppose you work in a very busy building. You’re used to hearing the sound of copy machines, of shuffling papers, telephones ringing, and the secretary complaining about her love life. You get into the elevator with a group of people and then look at the elevators door closing. With it, the outside noise begins to disappear and then suddenly. . . silence.

After hearing all of this background noise, its a bit strange to walk into an elevator with a group of 4 or more people and then hear absolutely nothing. If you pay close attention, however, you won’t be the only one feeling strange. When people feel awkward they typically look down at their shoes, clear their throats, or try very hard not to move a single muscle. I usually freeze. I used to take out my cell phone, but the people inside are so close to each other that I would catch the person next to me looking down at my screen watching me doing absolutely nothing but looking at the icons on my phone. I just freeze and wait for the relief “ding!”. It gets me through it.

I guess it could be worse. . .

Ever been in a packed elevator with really really tall people?

Source: image

#9 Farts

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Even the word sounds awkward.

Fart.

I was studying at the university library one day, and I was in a hurry because I was behind on my work, and I needed to go to the post office before it closed. I was at a table by a huge window, and couches next to me. On one of the couches, I could see a backpack leaning on it with a young man with his legs and arms crossed. He must’ve been napping. After some frustration, I took off my earphones and just stared at my paper for about a minute (it happens all the time) when my frustration got interrupted.

I heard a loud fart coming from the couch next to me. The guy tried to jump up and fell off the couch with a loud thump. Not only that, but he also spilled his water in the bottle and looked in my direction by using the couch as a shield and slowly creeping upwards to see the rest of us looking at him. He turned bright red. His own fart woke him up and scared him. How embarrassing.

The girl I was sharing the table with looked at me, and that’s what did it. I couldn’t help it. I tried really hard not to laugh, my attempts sounded like a mix between a cough and a sneeze combined with baby noises. Yeah, imagine that.

Of course, there are many different situations in which this could be more uncomfortable.

from moonbattery.com

Imagine you’re in a car with only one passenger and then suddenly an unpleasant smell begins to surround the air inside the vehicle. Obviously, one of the two people in the car must have farted, but what is more interesting is that the person that didn’t fart knows he or she didn’t. And the person that farted knows he or she farted. You both know.

Awkward?

Or what if you decide to roll down the window a little in your car and suddenly a smell begins to penetrate your car. The other person might think that you had planned to air out the car after you farted. There’s no way of proving that you didn’t fart.

Of course, it is pretty hilarious to think about farts. Especially when they put you in uncomfortable situations, like when:

1) The old man waiting in front of you in line lets one rip.

2) When babies fart, and they find it funny.

3) When dogs fart.

People have been farting since the beginning of time, why haven’t we gotten used to it? I guess the thought of gas going from the colon to someone else’s lungs is a bit unpleasant to think about.

#8 An angry stomach

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I’m not sure how many of you actually eat a good breakfast before heading to your office or an early morning class. I tried it for some time, and I guess I did see positive results. I felt more awake, I was able to focus more in class, but more importantly; my stomach didn’t growl.


Its possible that we might never find out why farts are funny, or why burping is considered rude, but now I would like to add the stomach growls to that list. Why is it so strange to hear a stomach growl in class, for example? It’s one of those things that happens and we ignore, sort of like when a person has a huge pimple on his or her nose; you notice it and both know it, but it is acceptable to just not bring it up.
I stopped eating breakfast early in the morning, which has led to my morning experiences being a little rougher. You can somewhat control any gas escapes, but you cannot control your stomach from growling no matter how hard you try! I have tried several things to try to make the situation less awkward, including (but not limited to) the following:
1) If it sounds like a cat I just try to ignore it. Its not worth messing acknowledging a sound like that. One time though, I laughed. It was a mistake.
2) If its a long one, well.. I’ve tried covering it up with some other noise. Like a forced sniffle, a cough, or an attempt to clear my throat.
3) If it sounds like a fart my recommendation is to put your hand over your stomach.

interestingfartstories.blogspot.com


This tells the spectator “It was my stomach, do not panic.”

For some reason, water doesn’t do the trick of calming it down, and from my experience it has made it worse. It sounds more like a big pot of boiling water.
But hey, we can’t do much about it.
Some people have natural sound makers in our stomachs, and others just forget to eat and have a growling stomach all day. Some are lactose intolerant, others just have interior-farting mechanisms.
We’re all different. We’re all special little snowflakes, just like everyone else.