Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

food

Awkward Family Holiday Parties

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Did any of you guys go to your in-law’s home for the holidays? Was it awkward? It’s weird, for a while now I have been getting invited to spend christmas in other people’s homes. This past Thanksgiving was spent eating bad Ecuadorian instant noodles and watching Netflix.

So I guess not that different than normal.

You know how when you enter someone’s home, their house has a very distinct smell to it…. but you can never identify your own house’s scent? Well in the same manner, family parties are a whole other beast to an outsider.

For one, you have several different types of relatives.

The Grandma, Version 1

The person that stays quiet most of the time, only to speak up to scold somebody. They like to help out around the kitchen, they keep to themselves, and falls asleep on the couch with everyone else around the living room.

The Grandma, Version 2

The kindest most awesomest person in the room that you just want to hug and have them make everything better. They smile, they’re the only ones who try to get to know you, and happens to always have a little kid on her lap.

The Rude Uncle or Brother-in-Law

The one who makes inappropriate comments about the way you’re eating sausage, or tells you that your mouth can open very wide to bite that turkey leg. They laugh at just about anything, but mostly their own jokes.

The Distant Relative

This is that chubby woman who comes up to you to say how much weight you’ve gained, and grabs your cheeks. You remember her from where you were a little kid and always wanted hated that “come say hi” thing your mom always says.

The Drunk Cousin

Yeah, we all know who we’re talking about.

Haha!

Well, things don’t actually have to be that awkward for everyone. There’s lots of things that certain families do that would seem weird to the rest of the world. At my house, sometimes we don’t all sit down to eat together but rather pick at the pots and pans whenever, even if not everything is ready yet.

And then sometimes we go to my aunt’s house and eat again afterward.

I went to a friend’s house once where his family served tacos for Thanksgiving and they were delicious.

What is one thing that your family does that is just plain weird to other people? Type it up, and submit your comment below!

When your spoon gets swallowed up by your soup

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Have you ever been eating soup all relaxed, or maybe during a first date (so super nervous), and leave your spoon leaning against the wall of your bowl, when IT happens?

The spoon becomes alive as it tries to escape, and you see it fall slowly, slowly, until it disappears underneath all of that tomato or pasta or veggies or ketchup (uh, what kind of soup are you eating?).

Your spoon has been swallowed up. It just fell right down. But now here is the moment of truth:

What the heck do you do?

You can try to stick your hand in there and get it out, but this isn’t cereal we’re talking about. See, with cereal, anything goes –but not with soup. That thing is hot, yo. Its also kinda really gross to stick your hand in something warm or hot. Tell me how many times have you ever done that?

I saw this happen just yesterday while I was out eating with a friend. I saw her expression as the spoon slowly disappeared into the abyss, and she just said “Oh no!” but left it. She didn’t continue eating her soup, and instead asked the waiter to put it in a container and took it home. I think she forgot that her spoon was still somewhere in that bowl, hidden under egg and drop (okay, egg drop soup is just.. egg.. right?.. or.. wait, never mind).

That waiter must have been surprised to see the spoon in there. But hey, if he didn’t notice.. woo! Free spoon. 🙂

158. When no more plates fit on your table at a restaurant

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Have you ever considered asking the table next to yours if they’re going to use all of the space on the table? No?

Oh.

When I go eat with my parents, its usually for breakfast at a Mexican diner type of thing. My mom enjoys trying different types of food, so she makes sure that we all pick a different type of food, so we can all try each other’s food. I’m used to it by now, people eating out of my plate, and my dog has tried to take advantage of that several times.
But aside from everything coming in enormous portions, they also come with side plates. A plate for your toast, for your pancakes, for your soup, and for any dipping sauces. And since its a Mexican restaurant, your salsa. Now take into consideration that your food will come in large oval plates, and that there is also a ketchup bottle, a napkin thingy, salt and pepper, sugar packets, jam little container things, creamer, and more hot sauce… these guys should really adopt those holder things that make your table a double decker type of thing, have you ever seem the pizza holders? They’re like a metal rack type of thing. So that your plates can go under the darn thing.
Anyway, so it seems like we have a bit of a space issue there.
And then there you are sitting in front of an entire table full of food and think that everyone else is staring at your table. I once had to put the toast next to me on the booth seat. The waitress laughed at me.
The takeaway: either learn to balance food on top of other food, or tell the waitress you need a table for 6 when there are only three of you.
———
Speaking of food, I just spent 11 bucks on a chicken sandwich from a Burger King at an airport. How have you been ripped off at airports?
I’m launching my

NEW BLOG

soon.

Get a sneak peek at One Way Ticket, Please to tell me what you think about it, please! The link takes you straight to my about page to find out a little more who I am and what the website is about. Be sure to enter your email on the thingy so we can keep in touch on there!

 

Care for some oran juice?

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Oran Juice?

Sure, I love oran juice.

Are you one of those people that likes to enunciate words all properly? Instead of “gonna” you say “going to” and instead of “walk” you say “wall-k”? Okay, just kidding on that last one. But today, I had to find a place with wifi and I decided to go to a McDonald’s that has a low morning traffic in the dining room (err, breakfasting room), and when I asked for an orange juice, the lady at the counter said:

“Okay, you’d like one or-an-ge, ju-ice?”

She said: orange, juice. Orange, comma, juice. Who even says that!?

Is she one of those people that say things like “a whole, other, story” instead of a “whole nother story“? (there’s a post on that)

Yes, I will take an orange, juice, and that’s all. Thank you. Orange juice is difficult to say, just like eating bagel sandwiches. They’re tiring. When I get really old and my teeth no longer work, I’ll probably be able to eat the same foods still because I like to choose easy to chew and soft and mushy foods. Chewing a bagel is way too difficult of a job to do early in the morning. Haha #firstworldproblems #amiright?

I think this became apparent to me because I’m reading a book by Haruki Murakami called Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, in which a librarian likes to pronounce things in dashes like.. “un-ic-orns,” or stuff like that. I don’t know exactly what that sounds like since I have a hard time pronouncing words that I have only read in the past, like the name Liesl, so I guess that’s why my thoughts went to how this lady pronounced the words “orange, juice.”

What ever guys. Obviously I have a lot of stuff going in my life.

Coffee Shop Culture: Which one are you?

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I’ve spent a lot of time in coffee shops over the years and I still like them. And, well, sure you may be thinking of Starbucks or Peet’s Coffee or.. Seattle’s Best (which major ones have I missed?), I’m talking smaller shops.

The best coffee shop is the one where you feel the most comfortable in. I like quiet ones; even dead quiet ones where their Pandora radio station or XM radio isn’t working so you’re forced to listen to people typing or the occasional popping fart from people drinking coffee and trying to hold it in. Obviously your stomach will become overactive, right? You’re drinking caffeine! Do you guys think its only your mind “speeding up” or your heart turning from a constant beat to a buzzing sound, like when you trap a fly between the window and the window screen? No, no, no! Your guts start churning faster too, they try to digest things quicker, also your minor twitching becomes even more hardcore… what would normally be a tiny little vibration on your arm suddenly becomes a violent up and down motion that tries to slap your face.

But don’t just take my word for it, check out these boring websites: Coffee & Health or Caffe Moak and they’ll tell you a bunch of facts that you don’t need to learn right now, but basically… yes, it can make you fart. It can also dehydrate you.. but whatever, I like coffee.

So back to the original idea: how come coffee shops aren’t better equipped to handle people pooping and farting while in their shops? Of course I don’t mean literally pooping in their chairs, I mean more like.. an extra amount of toilet seat covers in their bathrooms or, heck, MORE THAN ONE RESTROOM!? Have you ever been to a Starbucks that has NO restroom? (mostly in super urban downtown areas, where the transient population is high). It’s like… uh? You’re serving coffee, of course you’re going to have to wait in line for the restroom if the person is taking a massive dump in there. Uh, maybe some reading material, better air fresheners. Coffee shop owners, take note.

I become a regular at a coffee shop no matter where I am, and right now, I found mine at Cafe Legato here in San Jose, California. Simple, quiet, and classical music themed. Who can pass up a pastry for $0.85? Anyway, the owners here know my regular drink, and they know that I stay here for a long time. I also have a Coffee Shop Buddy, but she doesn’t know it yet so I guess we’re in an open coffee shop buddy relationship because she goes to other shops too and so do I because we trust each other and.. okay, maybe that’s the wrong analogy. We acknowledge each other in the mornings, and we work on our own things separately all day long.

From where I sit, literally in the corner of the shop.. –Oh, let me take a photo. One second.

Awkwardlist

–Here we go. See, I have a clear view on everything. So I notice the:

Person who doesn’t get off their cell phone when they order, so the poor guy behind the counter tries to repeat their order or get confirmation on something and gets a nod and a finger sign language thing common of cell phone talkers.

The woman and the crying kid who orders a small chocolate milk or an apple juice and then takes forever to decide what she wants so the kid grows impatient and starts running around saying hi to everyone. Yay.

Indecisive one, the person who actually becomes embarrassed by his inability to order something, that he lets everybody in line order first and then can’t get himself back in line. He finally decides on a regular coffee and then regrets it.

The other day, this one guy came in making a scene because his car got towed. He left it overnight at in a private parking lot, I mean.. c’mon man. He asked everybody in a whiney voice where his car was. I just turned up my music and watched a YouTube video even harder. Nobody told him anything, besides, he was disrupting a piece by Mozart. Uh, get out of here, guy!

I know that many of you are bloggers and authors and readers.. where do you prefer to work? At home, or a coffee shop of some sort? At a park? What kind of coffee shop characters have you noticed?

This Food Is Made With Real Food!

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 1102738I find it funny how food products advertise how their stuff is made with real ingredients. If that isn’t a red flag to what we’re eating, I don’t know what is.

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It’s like most of what we’re eating is made in a lab. Wait, I think it actually is. Ugh, this whole food thing is driving me nuts (follow my fasting adventure here). I found it really funny that I found a can of iced tea at the store that said “Made with Real Tea Leaves!” and I thought to myself how else would you make tea?

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Have you ever seen those notices on food products that you buy? Check them out next time you go to the store.

7 Most Awkward Meals to Eat on Your First Date

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First dates are awkward enough already. Trying to find something to talk about, trying to leave a good impression, and making sure that there is no cilantro on your teeth are some of the basics. But if you want to step out of the “he orders a steak, she orders a salad” type of thing, make sure you don’t step out too far and enter.. The Awkward Zone.

Let’s get started:

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7. The Burrito – Well, maybe some people out there may find burrito-eating attractive.

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6. Spicy Soups – Runny noses, sniffles, and red eyes are not going to impress your date. Unless you can handle it without having to blow your nose halfway through, avoid super spicy stuff in general.

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5. Chicken Wings – Oh, that is beautiful.

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4. Things With Eyes On It – I was trying to add a picture of a pig’s head on here, but I couldn’t. It just looks like murder. Oh man, I can’t believe people can just eat stuff with eyes. That is actually one of my secrets, by the way. I have a very tough time eating something with eyes on it, even fish and shrimp. Having an animal on your plate is harsh enough.

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3. Smelly Stuff – If it has been fermented, has strong garlic, or any other lingering stink smell, avoid it for a while. Those do not go away overnight. Literally speaking.

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2. Things That Require a Double Dip – The famous egg roll. There is a reason why people opt for the mini version of these. Some couples are all into double dipping into the dressings and dips, but other people absolutely hate it. Sucks, so much sauce goes to waste.. man..

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1. Extra Crunchy Foods – I don’t mind the sound of crunchy foods, but I have heard this from many people in the past. And during a first date, where they can be a lot of awkward silences, crunching sounds taking over may not be the best idea. If you’re at a loud bar or restaurant, go for it.

 

What are some foods that you would NOT recommend to people on their first date?

Turkey and 5 Other Overrated Foods

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I had to say it.

It takes longer to cook and isn’t as good as chicken. Sorry people, but I can barely eat things where you can see the dead animal on your table. Shrimp? Sea-roaches. Lobster? Sea-scorpions. Crabs? Sea-spiders. Maybe that’s why having a huge bird laying upside down on a table, with no head and what looks like yellow bread stuff poking out of its butt just seems weird to me. But that’s just me, guys. I’ll still eat turkey.

Here are some other foods that are overrated:

5. Pizookies 

Pizza-cookie. Pizookie. Extremely creative! ..sort of. It is basically a big cookie, and then they add ice cream. Guys, its a cookie. With ice cream. People go crazy for those things, and I think its just because they’re overpriced. Overpriced things seem to automatically make people go crazy. Think Starbucks.

4. Pancakes

Sorry dudes, but one pancake is more than enough. Two? Alright. Three? No. Eventually they just taste like butter and powder. I have some friends that LOoooOoOVE pancakes, and some that will only eat them from a certain place or with a certain type of syrup.

3. Quinoa 

If I hear another person talk about the many health benefits of this, I will kindly excuse myself to leave the room and then ride off into the sunset on a unicycle. Yeah, its great. We know.

2. The McRib

Every once in a while, we see a sign that says “The McRib is back.” and people order it over and over and over. Its those types of foods that come back “every once in a while” like the Beefy Crunch burrito from Taco Bell, or the pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks. We get all excited and then we eat it. Then we’re not excited any more.

1. Bacon

Just kidding. Do over:

1. Popcorn

It gets stuck in your teeth, it tastes like nothing without butter and salt, and salt and butter are bad for you. It soggs up in your mouth, it has the texture of paper, and gives you greasy-tongue syndrome. I get that with onion rings too, but those things are awesome. Sure, the popping is almost magical, but hello! choking hazard.

What do you think is overrated? Lattes, avocado, McDonald’s breakfast, deep fried fair food or Olive Garden’s breadsticks?