Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

health

This Food Is Made With Real Food!

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 1102738I find it funny how food products advertise how their stuff is made with real ingredients. If that isn’t a red flag to what we’re eating, I don’t know what is.

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It’s like most of what we’re eating is made in a lab. Wait, I think it actually is. Ugh, this whole food thing is driving me nuts (follow my fasting adventure here). I found it really funny that I found a can of iced tea at the store that said “Made with Real Tea Leaves!” and I thought to myself how else would you make tea?

real-apples-strawberry-product

Have you ever seen those notices on food products that you buy? Check them out next time you go to the store.

Alright, everyone take out your Shake Weights™!

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Google it.

You’ve heard me complain about spam here, but it has become a problem. I can’t keep my “open comment” policy, hahaha. People used to submit comments on really old posts without the moderation. You could submit awkward stories anonymously without worrying that you’ll land in a spam folder. Oh well.

The latest victim is my post on Farting in front of your partner for the first time. Check it out:

Screenshot from my desktop
Screenshot from my desktop

Noooo…

Ok, I’m over it.

So lately I’ve been going to the gym late at night, since I finally found a small 24-hour gym. No, I am not referring to 24-hour fitness. I have such a paranoia when it comes to large gyms and their contracts, that sometimes the reps cannot answer my questions. This one that I went to, I asked about their equipment maintenance, cancellation policies, their relationship with headquarters, about how they qualify their customers, and what other products they offer. Do they work on commission? How many clients do they have? Can I view a copy of the contract before coming in to sign it?

I’ve lost hundreds of dollars with big gyms before. That experience, plus my ability to make situations awkward  (it’s a gift), really gives me a boost in gym representative dissatisfaction. I don’t ask for free stuff, I don’t try to negotiate or complain. I just ask a lot of questions. How much do they get paid? No, I didn’t go there. That seems a bit rude, right?

Besides, the gym is just an awkward place anyway. From naked old people, to the meatheads at the free weights section. Putting a lot of sweaty people on machines that make you look like hamsters.. and then adding huge glass windows for people to look into in order to give that full hamster cage effect can really get to you. But man, some of us really have to work out.

Awkward. Out of breath already. From themetapicture.com
Awkward. Out of breath already. From themetapicture.com

Five Things To Do While Taking A Dump

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It doesn’t matter if its a quick sit and release mission or if it involves sitting there until your legs get numb, taking a dump is time you will never get back. For some, it is the only time we will get to ourselves. Remember these words:

“The most important thoughts come to you while you’re pooping and just before you fall asleep.” -Edwin

But what DO people do while they’re on the can?

poops

 

#5: Read the shampoo labels

label

Its one big conspiracy, people. The FDA and everyone is in it. They know that awesome thoughts come to us at such times so the FDA asked companies to add difficult reading material to shampoos and toothpaste in order to keep us from gathering and starting a rebellion. Just kidding. But I honestly believe that 90% of people that read those things do so while sitting on the toilet.

#4: Spend time trying to disguise your pooping noises

Start the sink faucet just as something is about to plop. Go into some deep mediation to try to “mind-over-matter” and pray to the universe that the next round doesn’t come up as loud as the previous one. This is particularly common in public restrooms where people are clearing their throats all the time and even flushing just so that the flushing sound covers up the fart sounds.

#3: Think

thinkWhat do you think about when you’re sitting on the toilet? I replay conversations in my head, wonder about what someone else is doing and hope that we’re not doing the same thing, come up with blog post ideas, and general daydreaming. Sometimes I just sit there and think about so many things that I forget how long I’ve been in there. My legs get numb after about 12 minutes, so that’s a good indicator.

#2: Listen to music

Songza.com has a great playlist for this: Check it out! They say:

“Hey, we’re not always proud of our scatological moments, but it’s something we all gotta do. So why not have the best possible soundtrack for your time in the smallest room of the house?”

What are some of your dump songs?

#1: Check your mobile

That handy little device is always in our pocket, thank goodness. It is one big coincidence that my tweets get sent around the same time I’m on The Throne. My phone is usually on silent, so I miss many phone calls and don’t reply to text messages. But don’t worry, these get thoroughly checked and they get replies when I’m on the can.

You probably check Facebook, Twitter, email, text messages, Pinterest, StumbleUpon.. or play Temple Run or Angry Birds, heck sometimes your best scores come from the “smallest room in your home.”

What do you do?

 

Is paying $7.69 for a salad the smart choice?

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So I was making a salad the other day. I used about half a head of lettuce, a two tomatoes, some berries, a little turkey, and cucumbers. All of that cost me very little. Plus its a lot of fiber which helps you out when you’re pooping and stuff. One day when I was out and about, I saw some pre-packaged salads at a fast food restaurant and then saw the price.

WHAT?!

Poor us. Seriously.

We have doctors, health professionals, parents, teachers and peers telling us about healthy eating and about how bad french fries, burgers, shakes and all that stuff is and then we go out only to see that “the smart choice” happens to be the most expensive item on the menu. Talk about having a dilemma.

The thing that fills you up for the least amount of money is BAD for you.

The thing that does not fill you up and costs a lot more is GOOD for you.

I’ve heard that those salads have a lot of added stuff in order to keep the lettuce green and the tomatoes red. Have you ever wondered why the apple dippers from McDonald’s don’t turn brown? They’re apples! Apples turn brownish when they’re peeled and left out. They used to come with the skins on.. so it was a cool little bag with red and green apple slices. Bright green and bright red. I’m telling you, these apples looked awesome. Chemicals, yay.

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From last survey:

poll1You guys are hilarious! Thanks for voting 🙂

The Importance of Wiping

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136. Having to wipe off the sweat from the cell phone you just borrowed

“Hey, can I borrow your cell phone real quick? Mine died.”

Cell phones die. It took me a while to start using that phrase mostly because it sounded very.. unfitting. But yes, cell phones “die” all the time. I’ve learned a couple of things about making the battery last longer, and surprisingly, they’re not that difficult to do:

  1. Turn off your wi-fi
  2. Turn off location services
  3. Turn off the back light
  4. Turn off … well just turn off your cell phone. It’ll last longer.

If your phone doesn’t last you all day, you text too much, talk too much, surf the web too much, or are just way too popular. Typically, phones dying are not that big of a problem, unless you suffer from a phone addiction. But then when something comes up and you need to make a phone call, you’re screwed. The only number you may actually have memorized may be your mother’s and your home phone number, and maybe the number for emergency services that we know here as 9-1-1.

When you do have to borrow a cell phone however, and actually have to talk on it instead of send a text, the scenario goes like this:

You’re done with the phone call, and then casually glance at the screen. Oh there it is.. some sweaty, oily, almost-crusty stuff all over it. Was it you? Yes. Should you wipe it off?  Yes! You borrowed the thing, at least return it how you found it. We rarely notice this phenomena now, but we all glance at the phone when we’re handing it back to look at how dirty we got it. Perhaps its a little more noticeable now that phones have huge screens that are nice and glossy when the phone is off and clean. Subconsciously, we notice the nastyness before handing it back and wipe it off. Sometimes we are obvious about it, other times we are stealthy, and others we just don’t give a crap and let the owner deal with it.

I mean seriously, seriously think about it. You are constantly touching your cell phone, COME ON you check your email and send your friends a “What’s up?” while you’re sitting on the toilet! How many times do you actually clean it?

If your answer was, “Well, I clean my cell phone often,” you are lying. Let’s try again.

…

What? Really? Fine, whatever. I’ll start cleaning my cell phone too.

The Art of the Silent Fart

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Hi Guys! It is Autumn here in California, which means a couple of things: my water heater is back in business, and Instagram is currently being flooded with pictures of pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks.

I prefer teas over lattes, since dairy has an “effect” on me. As nasty as this may sound to you right now, don’t click away from this page just yet –please. This is important.

The whole world needs to be able to fart freely, because nobody wants to hold it in for so long that you explode, and we all know that you should never force such a thing. You see, by the time farts come out, most of it is composed of nitrogen. If you’re a nervous person who swallows a lot of air and digests things quickly, your farts may contain a lot of oxygen.

Why do they stink?

Small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and mercaptans in the mixture (compounds that contain sulfur), makes them smell. Bacterial fermentation and digestion processes produce heat as a byproduct, which create bubbles that are small, hot, and heavily concentrated with stinky bacterial metabolic products. Aka the silent-but-deadly.

If you skipped the last paragraph because I used chemistry, I’m not offended.

In order for you to fart silently, there are a few techniques out there that can help you out:

1. Let out a little gas (you may hear a pop) and then release the rest piggybacking on the opening the pop made. If you can stop the pop, you’re golden.

2. Squat. A band conductor once suggested this to us, and even though I haven’t tried it.. I still don’t endorse it. It’s risky.

3. Muffle the sound somehow.

Didn’t think you’d be getting a lesson on flatulence this morning, right? Haha! You’re welcome!

Any awkward fart stories out there?

Source: Here

When fat people call themselves fat

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We all know about it, we see news reports all over the place about how fat America is getting. Hmm.. I know there are readers out there from other countries, so here is a question for you: Do you see news reports on fat America in your area?

Here in the U.S. we see them all the time! They’re always like “We are fat! Obesity is a problem. It can lead to diabetes, high cholesterol, sudden death, heart attack, depression..” the list goes on and on (and on and on). These things appear on the news so often, you’d think people aren’t actually noticing this stuff on their own. We see big people out on the street all the time, but for some reason, the news people think its an awesome idea to show clips of fat people walking around on the street.

I drew up that thing in like 10 seconds, sorry for the quality, but the whole missing-people’s-heads part is totally accurate. They news people go around filming the bellies and big butts of people walking by, and they probably feel super proud of themselves when they score a fat person holding a bag of McDonald’s or a fat dude walking around with an overweight child. Can you imagine seeing yourself on one of those reports?

“Look, I’m on TV!”

Not.

It is a horrible thing. According to kidshealth.org, one in three children are overweight or obese.But when I go pick up my little cousin from school, I see maybe one overweight kid out of a class of 20. I’m not sure if they took a survey outside of a food court or something, but it seems a bit exaggerated. I guess it makes sense though, don’t television network news channels get a kick out of scaring the crap out of everyone?

DEATH! VIRUS! WAR! MOTHER-IN-LAWS!

It’s like, dude c’mon!

Well since I’m not here to lecture on obesity, and we probably get enough of it elsewhere anyway, lets talk about the awkward moment when a fat people call themselves fat.

What are you supposed to do when a person calls himself/herself fat and they actually are?

I’ve tried to come up with something to say given the many opportunities I’ve had in this exact situation over the years, but I still cannot come up with a solid way out.. Hmm..

Let us look at our options:

  • “No you’re not!”- You just lied. That’s awkward, and now they’re probably going to defend their statement and you’ll be forced to say “Ok, yeah you are.. sorry.”
  • “Haha! No, I am!” – This might make you look like a jerk if you’re slim. Have you ever heard a person say something like that? They call themselves fat around a person that is actually overweight? Ugh.
  • “Yeah, you are.. haha!” -Whoa, you did NOT just do that! Even though it was probably supposed to come off as a joke, its an awkward one because its true. Now you both have to pretend like it was actually funny and play it cool.
  • “… … …” – You stay silent. According to the Code of Awkwardness, this qualifies as an Awkward Silence. If the topic doesn’t get changed immediately, it gets worse exponentially. So pretend to tie your shoe, act like your phone just vibrated, or say “I have hairy elbows” for instant relief.

OK, let’s hear it. What would you say?

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