Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

life

156. That moment when you realize you gave the wrong directions

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I was walking around the northwestern part of Mexico with my cousin after getting some tacos for breakfast (yes, for breakfast!) when I heard a familiar phrase coming out of a car stopped at a red light: Oye, muchacho!

They were asking how to get to San Carlos, a tourist area about 15 minutes northwest from where we were. I had been there many times before, so I told them to just go straight down the road and that an intersection would take them west toward San Carlos.

There was a girl sitting in the passenger seat, it looked like she was from outside of the country, and she asked me if the road pops up on the right or the left. So of course I said LEFT because heading northbound… San Carlos is on the left… except that the exit comes up on the right side and makes a loop and heads west from there.

I realized this literally two seconds after their light turned green and they left. I gave them the wrong directions.

Awkward

Awkward! No, bird! It’s the other way!

But it isn’t the first time that this happens, and no I don’t mean giving the wrong directions but instead second guessing myself. At the end of exams, after an interview, after clicking “Publish” on a blog post. I guess its a karma thing that people always give me the wrong directions. Maybe I should learn how to read maps.

Does this ever happen to you?

iPhone's New Politically Correct Emoji Awkwardness

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Every once in a while, pretty much every day, I get a new update notification for one of my devices. A phone update, a software update, or a notification somewhere to download something to make life better. Apple just recently updated my iPhone with a new layout for those emoji icons, and I noticed something cool: there are hands for white people, yellow people, brown people, black people, red people, blue people, and purple people. Just kidding, not that many colors.

iPhone's new emoji icons with colored handsI think it is pretty cool stuff. Now I get to use a brown “thumbs up” emoticon because if I use another color, people will think that I am trying to be someone that I’m not.

They also made gay couple ones, and a bunch of other kinds. I still haven’t discovered all of them just yet, but I noticed that they added more flags of the world. There is a Mexican flag now, woo! Go Mexico!

Though yes, they may be opening up a door for those people who like to complain about everything, they might say that Apple discriminates because they didn’t match their correct skin color, or that they’re missing a bowl of Fruit Loops on there because it is their favorite kind of cereal.

I found one of these really cool, I like the running people:

FullSizeRender-2

But okay, seriously what is up with the horse rider. They all look the same to me:

FullSizeRenderOops, was that racist?

I’m kidding guys. But seriously, don’t they all look the same?

19 Ways To Make It Awkward

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1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and Point A Hair  Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don’t Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It “In.”

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write “For Sexual Favors”

7. Finish All Your Sentences With “In Accordance With The Prophecy.”

8. Don’t Use Any Punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Ask People What Sex They Are. Laugh Hysterically After They Answer.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is “To Go.”

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don’t Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can’t Attend Their Party because You’re Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Hard.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream “I Won! I Won!”

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling

“Run For Your Lives, They’re Loose!!”

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. “Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.”

Smelling your clothes to check if they're clean

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Alright, so when I was a kid I remember my mom coming into my room and asking me why my clothes were all over the place, and why I didn’t use that basket thingy she got for the dirty clothes, and why I always needed batteries for my GameBoy, and to go outside and play, and.. well a bunch of other stuff, right? I guess its what mothers do. I could handle a lot of those questions, which I would just answer with a “just cuz, mom,” (yeah I was one of those kids), but one thing that made me use the dirty clothes’ basket thing, was that my mom would sort out what was clean and what wasn’t clean by sniffing it.

And MAN did it make me uncomfortable.

Dirty socks? *Sniff* yep, dirty.

Dirty shirt? *Sniff* hmm, smells okay.. *sniffs from the armpit area* nope. Dirty.

Dirty pants? *Sniff, from the crotch area* …

MOM! Please! Okay.

I guess that motivated me to also want to start doing my own laundry, to which every once in a while I still find myself tempted to sniff my armpit parts of the clothes to see if its dirty or not. Sometimes its just a check to see if I can wear it again without stinking up an elevator or scaring away my stranger bus seat partners. I mean, washing your clothes after a single wear seems like a waste of water, especially if all you did was put them on just to go to Safeway and take them off as soon as you come back home and put The Walking Dead back on Netflix and heat up your microwave pizza.

Maybe smell checking is normal.

*sniff*

What do you think?

Awkward Advice: List of Awkward Things to Say

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Awkward Things

Hello fellow internet searcher,

Welcome to another segment of “Awkward Advice.” This is your host, Awkwardlist aka Edwin. Which search will I choose.. hmm… “freakin’ nude scene”…. is NOT what I will pick. Here is a list of awkward things to say:

  1. “How is your banana?” literally what this guy next to me asked the coffee shop guy. He responded with “you mean how much is it? or how is it?”
  2. Hello sweet cheeks — Only awkward if you’re a creepy old guy and you’re talking to a woman you don’t know.
  3. Dayuuum — Say it to a baby in a stroller.
  4. Do you take care of your horse? –Haha! It sounds like you asked… oh never mind.
  5. My butt itches –Say it loud and proud, if you’re at a party… stop the music and then announce it.
  6. Call things “ebony” instead of “black” –A few people will know what you’re talking about.
  7. Say bye to your friend as they’re leaving, and then walk in the same direction — Hahaha gets me every time.

Let’s make it awkward! So there you go, guy. Have fun and thanks for your question. It will be published internationally with the exceptions of North Korea, China, and a bunch of other countries where people don’t get internet.

Awkwardlist

P.S. Please enjoy this photo of when trees attack:

When trees attack
When trees attack

Care for some oran juice?

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Oran Juice?

Sure, I love oran juice.

Are you one of those people that likes to enunciate words all properly? Instead of “gonna” you say “going to” and instead of “walk” you say “wall-k”? Okay, just kidding on that last one. But today, I had to find a place with wifi and I decided to go to a McDonald’s that has a low morning traffic in the dining room (err, breakfasting room), and when I asked for an orange juice, the lady at the counter said:

“Okay, you’d like one or-an-ge, ju-ice?”

She said: orange, juice. Orange, comma, juice. Who even says that!?

Is she one of those people that say things like “a whole, other, story” instead of a “whole nother story“? (there’s a post on that)

Yes, I will take an orange, juice, and that’s all. Thank you. Orange juice is difficult to say, just like eating bagel sandwiches. They’re tiring. When I get really old and my teeth no longer work, I’ll probably be able to eat the same foods still because I like to choose easy to chew and soft and mushy foods. Chewing a bagel is way too difficult of a job to do early in the morning. Haha #firstworldproblems #amiright?

I think this became apparent to me because I’m reading a book by Haruki Murakami called Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World, in which a librarian likes to pronounce things in dashes like.. “un-ic-orns,” or stuff like that. I don’t know exactly what that sounds like since I have a hard time pronouncing words that I have only read in the past, like the name Liesl, so I guess that’s why my thoughts went to how this lady pronounced the words “orange, juice.”

What ever guys. Obviously I have a lot of stuff going in my life.