Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

morning

47. Walking into a spider web

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Spider webs. I know, I know. . . many people are afraid of spiders, some more than others. But before you start screaming and attempting to destroy your computer, know that there are no pictures of spiders in this post.

After having dinner with a friend last night, I was asked for a favor: to debug her apartment. I had forgotten how afraid of bugs she was. You see, she doesn’t mind working with urine or blood samples and even gets excited over things like autopsies, so one day I came to visit her with a weird insect I had found (it looked like a cross between a tiny black ant and something else) because I figured nothing could gross her out, but I was wrong —very wrong.

Back to last night’s story: there happened to be old, dusty spider webs hidden in the corner of her window, and a lot of them outside that I was trying to reach with a broom, but eventually I realized it would be easier to reach with my hands. That’s when I remembered what a spider’s web feels like, which then reminded me of the following:

When I lived in the college dormitories, there was a path behind the buildings that would lead to the cafeteria and during the summer, spiders would make their homes right there. I’m talking about huge webs that would stretch from a light post to a tree trunk, and would take up the entire path (what were these things trying to catch? People?) I was aware of the spider webs because one morning I was able to see tiny droplets of water on a spiderweb that made it extremely noticeable along with the web’s creator waiting right in the middle of it. Some people, however, would not be able to notice the spiderweb; which was good AND bad because it created pretty hilarious scenarios in my mind, but that would mean that the spider would have to start all over. And also bad because of possible bites. Which might be poisonous. Which might lead to —O.K.! Alright! Let us say that no spider was present in my mind scenario.

But seriously, haven’t you ever walked into a spider web and felt those long strings of spider silk in your hair? Or even better, have you ever seen that happen to someone else?

You could be walking around somewhere with a group of friends and suddenly one of your friends begins to wave his arms around like crazy at some invisible force and no matter what he does, he cannot free himself. Is he possessed? No, it’s just a spider web. That’s the thing about spider webs, they are invisible and feel extremely sticky and stretch so much that attempting to get rid of it makes you look like a mad person. Some people feel the need to make a scene and start yelling and running around in circles. Other people take it too far and start panicking and might even attempt the old-school Stop, Drop and Roll, but that’s in case of your clothes being on fire! . . Wait, would fire get rid of it? No, don’t try it.

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33. Getting hit on

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First of all, I would like to apologize to the guy from Starbucks, I will tell the internet about his awkward moment. He is the main character of today’s story:

After spending 6 hours in the university library, I decided to take a break and head out into the real world to get a cup of coffee at another Starbucks (we have one on our campus). It was finals week, and I was bored to death by the American government studies, I just needed to see things other than the black Times New Roman letters in my American Government textbook and my unreadable notes.

I arrived with a big bag filled with notes, a laptop, charger, pens, highlighters.. you know, the student essentials. After putting my things on a chair next to a man (who was talking on the phone), I noticed a very attractive woman standing by the teas and other stuff that Starbucks sells. She must have been in her mid-twenties, tall with long dark hair, and wearing a black dress. I asked her if was waiting in line. She said no, and I proceeded onto ordering coffee from the tall barista guy.

Since ordering plain coffee takes around 10 seconds, I stepped back and waited for it before heading back to my chair. Then I saw the cell phone man approaching the woman. Was he doing it? Yes he was! He was going to go up to her and talk to her. Big move. [Whenever I tell this story, I like to imagine that everybody put their coffee down, the music stopped playing, and all eyes focused on the man about to do what no other man in the shop was willing to do: talk to “her”.] I must have been around 3 feet away from all of the action.

“Hey” said the man.

“Hi.” the woman politely replied, with a smile.

“Ordering some coffee, huh?”

“No, I’m just waiting” said the woman

“Oh,” said the man, “Do you come here often?”

Do you come here often? DO YOU COME HERE OFTEN?!? He asked her one of those questions that just give it away! It’s like saying “How YOU doin’ . . .” At this point, I gave up all hope on the man. He pretty much flipped a coin and was either about to face rejection or success.

“Sorry. I’m actually waiting for my boyfriend.” the woman said, with an “I feel sorry for you” look on her face.

“Oh, cool. Your boyfriend.” –awkward.

“Yeah,” she said, pointing at the guy taking orders at Starbucks “that’s him.”

At this moment, I looked at the barista guy, and he just smiled at the man and started to shake his head a little. I felt embarrassed for the man. He just walked back to his chair without saying another word. I didn’t know how to pretend that I hadn’t just witnessed something like that. I was hoping for the moment to end when, suddenly..

“Edwin!”

I heard my name from the other side of the shop.

“Edwin! A tall coffee?”

Oh, right. My coffee. Those 10 seconds seemed way too long.

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20. Being asked “Did you just wake up?”

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It was a cold morning, you know, one of those mornings when your blanket reaches the perfect warmth just as your alarm clock decides to ring. It must have taken all of the effort in the world to get me up that day; I only had one lecture at 8:00am. After self-encouragement, turning on the television, putting on my iPod earphones to pump some jumpy music, I finally rolled out of bed. Brushed my teeth, got my cereal and coffee, showered, and then I began feeling mighty fine! I got ready for my class and went out there into the university.

I was early so while I was waiting outside of my building when a friend of mine decided to stop by and sit on the bench with me.

“Good morning, Edwin”, she said while giving me a look that made me feel self-conscious, “did you just wake up?”

No! I had woken up two hours prior! I’m feeling good! What have you done to me? 

I responded with a “no, did you?” and she got a bit angry and pulled out a little thing (ladies, help me out here..), a circular thing that opened like an oyster and had a mirror on it and started acting all funny, I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable. If I had known she was going to get all weird about it, I would’ve kept my mouth shut. Oops. I guess it was a little messed up.

I mean, she made her point clear. I could’ve just said many things and gotten the same response:

“NOW  I see why girls need makeup.. ”

“Bad hair day?”

“You look like crap today, but how do you feel, friend?”

I’ve been trying to think of how to properly respond to such a question, you know, something else to say besides “No, did you?”.

Any ideas?

18. Pimples

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After rolling out of bed in the morning, you head to the bathroom to brush your teeth. You look in the mirror and there it is . . a pimple.

These seem to always come when you least need them; right before you get your picture taken, when you’re meeting a potential client for lunch or heading to an interview.

“Alright,” you might say, “these things are perfectly natural and they happen to people all the time.”

And yes, they do. But what happens when you see somebody with a huge pimple on their nose? You look at it. Admit it, you can’t help it. It is just the way our minds work; we see something that stands out in a person’s face and we’re automatically drawn to it.

The issue here, however, is how awkward this situation really is when the pimple is observed by someone else. You noticed the other person’s pimple, and they noticed that you looked at it. Darn it! You made it too obvious. When a person is speaking to you, and especially if he or she is being extra self-conscious for the day, they tend to follow your eyes in conversations in order to make eye contact. If you get distracted by that big red dot on their face, they will notice. And now you know that they noticed that you noticed. Don’t worry, even if you didn’t look at it, they would assume that you’re actually avoiding it just to be nice. Children won’t avoid it though, they’ll tell you the truth; so if they’re present prepare for some fun.You just can’t win here.

Good news! This situation doesn’t go very far. You will probably not discuss the pimple anyway, but be prepared if you have to. I’ve encountered a scenario where a girl asked me: “Does it look that bad?”

“No, I can barely see it.”

I could “barely see it” but from far. The thing was huge. She knew it. I knew it. Awkward.

#17 The Sidewalk Dance

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I’ve seen this happen, but I never realized that it was awkward until it happened to me.

I had just gotten out of a meeting and was quite stressed out because I found out that one of my programs for student residents at my university dorm halls had to be postponed due to some paperwork problem. I left my coordinator’s office and went outside for a walk. Usually, I look up at the trees and say hello to people while I walk around, but not that time; my mind was elsewhere.

So while looking down at my blue Vans shoes cross the cracks on the sidewalk every other step, I encountered a pair of small black Converse shoes. I looked up and smiled nervously, a pretty girl had crossed my path, literally –and almost crashed into me. Almost immediately, I moved over to the left. But so did she. I shuffled over to the right. But again, so did she. This is where things got serious, no more messing around. I moved to the left and stayed there. . . at the same time that she did. Then I solved the problem by figuring out a cool trick: instead of moving in the other direction, I moved to the left again. Magic! It worked! At the time, I didn’t really stop to think of a solution, it came mostly by mistake. Oh well, great things are usually discovered by accident.

“There we go,” she said, “that was awkward.”

I replied, “It was fun, thanks for the dance.”

Of course, the encounter lasted no more than 5 seconds, but it seemed to take forever.The thing is, this –the Sidewalk Dance– kept happening with other people, up to the point where I believed that I was the cause of the problem; that I was doing something to trigger this. Though I still haven’t discovered exactly what I was doing, it was pretty awesome to begin getting used to awkward moments like these and finding the fun in them instead of making the situations worse for myself.

The laugh that the girl and I got from that Sidewalk Dance reminded me to smile again, and it changed my mood for the better even after having a rough start to my day. Awkward moments are awesome.

#10 Running for the bus

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Have you ever dropped a napkin while you’re eating at an outdoor table, like at a park, or at the patio section of a restaurant? One of the things about being outdoors, besides it being awesome, is that there is always light breezes that are pretty much unpredictable. Here is the scenario:

You drop the napkin. Depending on your personality, you will either attempt to pick it up immediately, or look at it and reach to get it with your shoe a couple of seconds after (sometimes even without looking). Supposing you are reaching for it, a light wind comes by and takes it a little further from you. At this point, you might stand up and reach for it again, but hesitate because another breeze can come by and take it farther, just as you reach for it. Of course, you can give the poor napkin an evil glare and then reach for it, it might keep it in place.

Running for the bus has the same effect. You see it there, “waiting for you”. But as you approach it the doors close. Will it still wait for you once it sees you?

I’ve seen plenty of people run for the bus, and just as they are one bus-length away from it, it leaves. Then they just end up feeling all awkward. We all saw you miss the bus. Some of us feel sorry for you while others might be laughing. We just don’t know what people will do in this world. Apparently we don’t know what buses or napkins will do either.

If you see the bus waiting there, decide if you want to go for it or not, and then do it! Soon after you miss the bus, just don’t make eye contact with anybody, and if someone choses to yell out the window “sucks for you, man!” which I’ve heard a million times, don’t flip them off, just laugh and be cool about it. Pretend like it happens to you all the time.

#8 An angry stomach

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I’m not sure how many of you actually eat a good breakfast before heading to your office or an early morning class. I tried it for some time, and I guess I did see positive results. I felt more awake, I was able to focus more in class, but more importantly; my stomach didn’t growl.


Its possible that we might never find out why farts are funny, or why burping is considered rude, but now I would like to add the stomach growls to that list. Why is it so strange to hear a stomach growl in class, for example? It’s one of those things that happens and we ignore, sort of like when a person has a huge pimple on his or her nose; you notice it and both know it, but it is acceptable to just not bring it up.
I stopped eating breakfast early in the morning, which has led to my morning experiences being a little rougher. You can somewhat control any gas escapes, but you cannot control your stomach from growling no matter how hard you try! I have tried several things to try to make the situation less awkward, including (but not limited to) the following:
1) If it sounds like a cat I just try to ignore it. Its not worth messing acknowledging a sound like that. One time though, I laughed. It was a mistake.
2) If its a long one, well.. I’ve tried covering it up with some other noise. Like a forced sniffle, a cough, or an attempt to clear my throat.
3) If it sounds like a fart my recommendation is to put your hand over your stomach.

interestingfartstories.blogspot.com


This tells the spectator “It was my stomach, do not panic.”

For some reason, water doesn’t do the trick of calming it down, and from my experience it has made it worse. It sounds more like a big pot of boiling water.
But hey, we can’t do much about it.
Some people have natural sound makers in our stomachs, and others just forget to eat and have a growling stomach all day. Some are lactose intolerant, others just have interior-farting mechanisms.
We’re all different. We’re all special little snowflakes, just like everyone else.