You know, starting a new relationship means having to learn how to fart silently once again. [Read more…] about 68. Farting in front of your partner for the first time
It is late at night, and you are finally getting ready to go to sleep. For two nights in a row, you’ve been awakened at night by a tapping noise coming from the apartment next to yours but cannot identify it in your half-asleep state –but not tonight. Tonight you will sleep like a baby. Teeth brushed, pajamas ready, and the alarm is set. You’ve been waiting for this moment all day. Suddenly you hear something. What? A song, a soft jazzy tune coming from your neighbor’s place. A voice begins to sing, and you can recognize it. Oh yes, you know this song:
I’ve been really tryin’ baby
Tryin’ to hold back this feeling for so long. . .
This late? Why would anyone be playing a song at this –Oh. Oh no.
. . . Let’s get it on, sugar
Let’s get it on
Whoo, ooh, ooh . . .
And there they go.
Whether the sound is coming from the apartment next door, or from the floor above yours, such a situation is just plain uncomfortable. What makes matters worse is that if it happens every night, you eventually start to become familiar with the sequence. Either a soft tapping noise that gets louder and louder, loud noises and a lot of squeaking, or it could happen like just like the above scenario. You’ll know the pattern, duration, intensity, etc. If you ever have overnight guests, and they’re about to complain about it, you might even tell them,
“Oh, don’t worry, they’ll be done in about 3 and a half more minutes.”
“How do you know?” they’ll ask.
“Uh. . .”
But what are you supposed to do? You can ask them to stop, ask them to keep it down, or let them be. Asking them to stop or keep it down is pretty awkward (and it isn’t very nice), but if you let them be, they won’t know that anybody can hear them and they will keep going at it for a while. Decisions, decisions.
. . . Just let yourself go
Let’s get it on . . .
(Song: Let’s Get It On, Marvin Gaye)
I’ve found myself in situations where I absolutely cannot hear what a person is saying, whether it is because they have a thick accent, or if they’re speaking too fast, it can sometimes be uncomfortable to ask them to repeat themselves a third time.
Sometimes people ask “what did you say?” even if they have already understood you, just for the heck of it. Actually that’s pretty awkward itself. I’ve stayed quiet before when people ask “What?” and they just end up answering the question that they “didn’t hear”. This post is about that awkward feeling when you can’t understand somebody, and ask them to repeat themselves over and over. Eventually the other person begins to wonder if you have a hearing problem, or if they have a speaking problem and are coming off as a weirdo.
I used to work answering and re-directing phone calls in an office, and sometimes I’d get people with thick accents that I could barely understand. I would ask them to repeat themselves up to three times and then deal with them raising their voices and saying a bunch of things to me (which thankfully, I still didn’t understand). Angry people..
Ever stepped into an elevator by yourself?
Some people have a fear of these small boxes that move up and down in a narrow tube in some hidden corner of a building. The way I describe it, it sounds like I’m one of those people.. but no. I’m actually fearful of the awkward moments involved when other people are in the elevator.
When people think of awkward moments, the thought of an awkward silence comes to mind. You know, when you’re out eating with your friends and then nobody has anything to say.. yeah, I feel awkward already.
Anyway, suppose you work in a very busy building. You’re used to hearing the sound of copy machines, of shuffling papers, telephones ringing, and the secretary complaining about her love life. You get into the elevator with a group of people and then look at the elevators door closing. With it, the outside noise begins to disappear and then suddenly. . . silence.
After hearing all of this background noise, its a bit strange to walk into an elevator with a group of 4 or more people and then hear absolutely nothing. If you pay close attention, however, you won’t be the only one feeling strange. When people feel awkward they typically look down at their shoes, clear their throats, or try very hard not to move a single muscle. I usually freeze. I used to take out my cell phone, but the people inside are so close to each other that I would catch the person next to me looking down at my screen watching me doing absolutely nothing but looking at the icons on my phone. I just freeze and wait for the relief “ding!”. It gets me through it.
I guess it could be worse. . .
Ever been in a packed elevator with really really tall people?
I hope your weekend was filled with a lot of fun and awkward moments. You might have done this one recently actually, it is quite common. [Read more…] about #14 Pooping at a friend's house
Even the word sounds awkward.
I was studying at the university library one day, and I was in a hurry because I was behind on my work, and I needed to go to the post office before it closed. I was at a table by a huge window, and couches next to me. On one of the couches, I could see a backpack leaning on it with a young man with his legs and arms crossed. He must’ve been napping. After some frustration, I took off my earphones and just stared at my paper for about a minute (it happens all the time) when my frustration got interrupted.
I heard a loud fart coming from the couch next to me. The guy tried to jump up and fell off the couch with a loud thump. Not only that, but he also spilled his water in the bottle and looked in my direction by using the couch as a shield and slowly creeping upwards to see the rest of us looking at him. He turned bright red. His own fart woke him up and scared him. How embarrassing.
The girl I was sharing the table with looked at me, and that’s what did it. I couldn’t help it. I tried really hard not to laugh, my attempts sounded like a mix between a cough and a sneeze combined with baby noises. Yeah, imagine that.
Of course, there are many different situations in which this could be more uncomfortable.
Imagine you’re in a car with only one passenger and then suddenly an unpleasant smell begins to surround the air inside the vehicle. Obviously, one of the two people in the car must have farted, but what is more interesting is that the person that didn’t fart knows he or she didn’t. And the person that farted knows he or she farted. You both know.
Or what if you decide to roll down the window a little in your car and suddenly a smell begins to penetrate your car. The other person might think that you had planned to air out the car after you farted. There’s no way of proving that you didn’t fart.
Of course, it is pretty hilarious to think about farts. Especially when they put you in uncomfortable situations, like when:
1) The old man waiting in front of you in line lets one rip.
2) When babies fart, and they find it funny.
3) When dogs fart.
People have been farting since the beginning of time, why haven’t we gotten used to it? I guess the thought of gas going from the colon to someone else’s lungs is a bit unpleasant to think about.
I’m not sure how many of you actually eat a good breakfast before heading to your office or an early morning class. I tried it for some time, and I guess I did see positive results. I felt more awake, I was able to focus more in class, but more importantly; my stomach didn’t growl.
This tells the spectator “It was my stomach, do not panic.”