Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

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Awkward Family Holiday Parties

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Did any of you guys go to your in-law’s home for the holidays? Was it awkward? It’s weird, for a while now I have been getting invited to spend christmas in other people’s homes. This past Thanksgiving was spent eating bad Ecuadorian instant noodles and watching Netflix.

So I guess not that different than normal.

You know how when you enter someone’s home, their house has a very distinct smell to it…. but you can never identify your own house’s scent? Well in the same manner, family parties are a whole other beast to an outsider.

For one, you have several different types of relatives.

The Grandma, Version 1

The person that stays quiet most of the time, only to speak up to scold somebody. They like to help out around the kitchen, they keep to themselves, and falls asleep on the couch with everyone else around the living room.

The Grandma, Version 2

The kindest most awesomest person in the room that you just want to hug and have them make everything better. They smile, they’re the only ones who try to get to know you, and happens to always have a little kid on her lap.

The Rude Uncle or Brother-in-Law

The one who makes inappropriate comments about the way you’re eating sausage, or tells you that your mouth can open very wide to bite that turkey leg. They laugh at just about anything, but mostly their own jokes.

The Distant Relative

This is that chubby woman who comes up to you to say how much weight you’ve gained, and grabs your cheeks. You remember her from where you were a little kid and always wanted hated that “come say hi” thing your mom always says.

The Drunk Cousin

Yeah, we all know who we’re talking about.

Haha!

Well, things don’t actually have to be that awkward for everyone. There’s lots of things that certain families do that would seem weird to the rest of the world. At my house, sometimes we don’t all sit down to eat together but rather pick at the pots and pans whenever, even if not everything is ready yet.

And then sometimes we go to my aunt’s house and eat again afterward.

I went to a friend’s house once where his family served tacos for Thanksgiving and they were delicious.

What is one thing that your family does that is just plain weird to other people? Type it up, and submit your comment below!

When your spoon gets swallowed up by your soup

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Have you ever been eating soup all relaxed, or maybe during a first date (so super nervous), and leave your spoon leaning against the wall of your bowl, when IT happens?

The spoon becomes alive as it tries to escape, and you see it fall slowly, slowly, until it disappears underneath all of that tomato or pasta or veggies or ketchup (uh, what kind of soup are you eating?).

Your spoon has been swallowed up. It just fell right down. But now here is the moment of truth:

What the heck do you do?

You can try to stick your hand in there and get it out, but this isn’t cereal we’re talking about. See, with cereal, anything goes –but not with soup. That thing is hot, yo. Its also kinda really gross to stick your hand in something warm or hot. Tell me how many times have you ever done that?

I saw this happen just yesterday while I was out eating with a friend. I saw her expression as the spoon slowly disappeared into the abyss, and she just said “Oh no!” but left it. She didn’t continue eating her soup, and instead asked the waiter to put it in a container and took it home. I think she forgot that her spoon was still somewhere in that bowl, hidden under egg and drop (okay, egg drop soup is just.. egg.. right?.. or.. wait, never mind).

That waiter must have been surprised to see the spoon in there. But hey, if he didn’t notice.. woo! Free spoon. 🙂

Everyone Here Has The Runs

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Around the hostel where I am staying, people are beginning to say that there is a curse because lots of us are getting sick. Getting diarrhea stops you from doing lots of things, but most importantly…

Pooping in a shared hostel stay is awkward

Imagine hearing gases and liquids and solids coming out of someone’s body in the middle of the night?

Fortunately I just have small sore throat issue and just cough all night, waking everyone else up, but at least its not all super awkward.

Do you have any tips or ideas on how to make this situation better for our diarrhea friends?

Read more about my travel stuff here: OneWayTicketPlease.com

158. When your friend is being confrontational and you don't know what to do

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I was sitting outside of a study room back in college eating with a very dear friend and coworker, when an Asian dude comes by and starts smoking a cigarette right next to us. We are outdoors so of course I think its somewhat legal to do so, but I should’ve known that in the state of California there is a law that says you have to be at least 25 feet away from a building.

My friend definitely knew this. So imagine a girl with blonde hair, with salad still in her mouth, stand up and tell the guy:

“Uh, excuse me, I’m trying to eat here, can you go smoke farther away from the building?”

Horse - Haters gonna hate

This guy didn’t look mean, but he gave her a look that made her nudge like she was about to stand up.

He just nervously smiled and backed away toward some steps and leaned against a tree.

What the heck was that about? I have been in many situations where a friend of mine gets confrontational with someone else while I’m right there, pretending like I’m somewhere in-between “yeah, I’ll back you up,” and “shut up, dummy. You’re going to get us both beat up.”

Have you been in similar situations? Check the list:

  • Your friend is driving and decides to honk at someone else, and later the car pulls up on your right and look right at you.
  • Someone has cut in line in front of you and your friend doesn’t decide to just be quiet and make a nod of “WTF?” acknowledgement to the guy behind you.. but instead tells the cutter “Hey! There’s a line!”
  • The restaurant gets your order wrong and your friend decides to tell the waiter to get the manager instead of just clearing it up with the waiter himself. Cringe.
  • Some stranger on the street whistles or cat calls somehow the friend you are walking with and she (or he) decides to tell him (or her) off and adds a little sass to it.

Jeez.

What do you guys think?

Please share your experiences in the comments below!

Awkward Advice: Scared to tell my mom I clogged the toilet.

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How to eat a chocolate bar forever

Dear internet searcher, thank you for your question.

I was going to answer the other guy who asked “how to eat a chocolate bar forever” but if I knew how, I wouldn’t tell him because of diabetes. You know how it is.

So anyway, if you are scared to tell your mom that you clogged the toilet, just.. don’t tell her. I guess it’s important to know how exactly you clogged it, because if it was an excessive use of toilet paper, that’s on you. If it was a major deuce that you dropped and it didn’t flush all the way, I’m pretty sure your mom has done so too. I understand its difficult to imagine your mom pooping and clogging the toilet, but even she takes major dumps every once in a while. So here is what you should do if you’re not going to tell her:

1) Look for the little unclogger thing around somewhere, it looks like a lollipop, but upside down, and much larger, about two feet in height.

2) This part is nasty, but stick in the toilet (not the stick part.. the sucky part), and pump that thing like you’re churning butter, lining it up with the hole where the poop disappears to. Up, down, up down. Be careful of back splash (the scientific name for it is poopius splashius) its when poop particles fly in the air along with the water.

3) Lift the unclogger thing, over the toilet, and check out the damage. Did the water level drop? If so, you’re doing the right thing. Is your deuce still there?

Dude, just tell your mom.

Sincerely,

Awkwardlist

Coffee Shop Culture: Which one are you?

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I’ve spent a lot of time in coffee shops over the years and I still like them. And, well, sure you may be thinking of Starbucks or Peet’s Coffee or.. Seattle’s Best (which major ones have I missed?), I’m talking smaller shops.

The best coffee shop is the one where you feel the most comfortable in. I like quiet ones; even dead quiet ones where their Pandora radio station or XM radio isn’t working so you’re forced to listen to people typing or the occasional popping fart from people drinking coffee and trying to hold it in. Obviously your stomach will become overactive, right? You’re drinking caffeine! Do you guys think its only your mind “speeding up” or your heart turning from a constant beat to a buzzing sound, like when you trap a fly between the window and the window screen? No, no, no! Your guts start churning faster too, they try to digest things quicker, also your minor twitching becomes even more hardcore… what would normally be a tiny little vibration on your arm suddenly becomes a violent up and down motion that tries to slap your face.

But don’t just take my word for it, check out these boring websites: Coffee & Health or Caffe Moak and they’ll tell you a bunch of facts that you don’t need to learn right now, but basically… yes, it can make you fart. It can also dehydrate you.. but whatever, I like coffee.

So back to the original idea: how come coffee shops aren’t better equipped to handle people pooping and farting while in their shops? Of course I don’t mean literally pooping in their chairs, I mean more like.. an extra amount of toilet seat covers in their bathrooms or, heck, MORE THAN ONE RESTROOM!? Have you ever been to a Starbucks that has NO restroom? (mostly in super urban downtown areas, where the transient population is high). It’s like… uh? You’re serving coffee, of course you’re going to have to wait in line for the restroom if the person is taking a massive dump in there. Uh, maybe some reading material, better air fresheners. Coffee shop owners, take note.

I become a regular at a coffee shop no matter where I am, and right now, I found mine at Cafe Legato here in San Jose, California. Simple, quiet, and classical music themed. Who can pass up a pastry for $0.85? Anyway, the owners here know my regular drink, and they know that I stay here for a long time. I also have a Coffee Shop Buddy, but she doesn’t know it yet so I guess we’re in an open coffee shop buddy relationship because she goes to other shops too and so do I because we trust each other and.. okay, maybe that’s the wrong analogy. We acknowledge each other in the mornings, and we work on our own things separately all day long.

From where I sit, literally in the corner of the shop.. –Oh, let me take a photo. One second.

Awkwardlist

–Here we go. See, I have a clear view on everything. So I notice the:

Person who doesn’t get off their cell phone when they order, so the poor guy behind the counter tries to repeat their order or get confirmation on something and gets a nod and a finger sign language thing common of cell phone talkers.

The woman and the crying kid who orders a small chocolate milk or an apple juice and then takes forever to decide what she wants so the kid grows impatient and starts running around saying hi to everyone. Yay.

Indecisive one, the person who actually becomes embarrassed by his inability to order something, that he lets everybody in line order first and then can’t get himself back in line. He finally decides on a regular coffee and then regrets it.

The other day, this one guy came in making a scene because his car got towed. He left it overnight at in a private parking lot, I mean.. c’mon man. He asked everybody in a whiney voice where his car was. I just turned up my music and watched a YouTube video even harder. Nobody told him anything, besides, he was disrupting a piece by Mozart. Uh, get out of here, guy!

I know that many of you are bloggers and authors and readers.. where do you prefer to work? At home, or a coffee shop of some sort? At a park? What kind of coffee shop characters have you noticed?

5 Email Signatures and What They Really Mean

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Even though email may seem like extremely old-fashioned nowadays, I do it often. Like actual correspondence-type emails. Yes. That happens.

Sometimes I’m responding back to customer’s questions, and other times I’m reading awkward stories that you guys share with me via email. My first experience using Outlook in a job setting was in Colorado back in 2009, where the world of Microsoft Office opened up a brand new window to office gossip and the path to the long chain of people you have to go through in order to get access to the software essential to doing the job I was hired to do. As an observant of the awkward and the unnoticed, I started taking note of the email signatures these people would use. In a land of engineers with support from HR, IT, law, accountants, and tech guys.. they were easy to differentiate.

Take a look at the types of email signatures these people would send:

Human Resources

Yours,

Marie Escalade
Human Resources
(555) 198-9213- extension 124

Information and Technology

Myriam Delao
IT
(555) 143-9123 -ext 2

Law Department

Sincerely,

Bill McCormick
Chief Coordinator of Internal Operations & Executive Trainee
Department of Law and Engineering Support
Office: (555) 876-1234
Fax: (555) 213-1231
E-mail: bill @company.com

If you believe this email was sent to you in error, please delete immediately and notify the sender.

Engineering

-mike

Accounting

Thank you,

James Blunder
Accounting
(555) 123-1245 ext- 3
—————

And then I started noticing the signatures other people send, and dude.. some of them just make me want to invent a virus that would make a hand come out of the screen and slap somebody.

Here are some slightly modified [to make my point] email signatures found around the internet.

1. The Overachiever Student Who Thinks He’s a Professional

—-
Sincerely,

Bogdan Emerson
President 2012-2013
Envirocool Organization
Hazing Chairman of Kappa Jau Fraternity, Inc.
Cell: 555-412-1234

What you’re really saying: I am the coolest guy on campus and you need to know that. The top companies don’t want me but I don’t know that yet.
2. The Funny Guy

—-
Thanks pal,

Geoffrey “Karate Kid” Nelson
Earth
Smoke ring signals: Puff, puff, hold… puff, puff, hold, cloud.
Ok but seriously, cell phone: (911) 134-9421
Gotcha.

What you’re really saying: I am hilarious, laugh at me. Alright, you can stop now. It isn’t funny anymore, stop. #AntiBullying

3. I’m Green, and You Must Know It

—-
With kind regards,

Christine Skye

Please be considerate of the environment before printing this email. 

What you’re really saying: I annoy my friends, and secretly still buy bottled water.

4. The Success

—
Thanks a lot, bud.
Max Le’Gitneo

Senior Planning Vice-President of DaCool Co. & Media Conglomerate, Corp.
LeGitNEO@DaCoolCo.com
Office: (555) 123-1234
Cell: (555) 123-1252
Office 234-A

Disclaimer: All information contained in this email is intended for single use only and only to the person listed on this email and is subject to inspection by our security guard, Hank, at any moment if any suspicious activities arise. You may not distribute, copy, email, forward, modify, or read this email at coffee shops or diners. All opinions expressed in this email are not representative of DaCool Co & Media Conglomerate, Corp, but any good ideas arising from such emails are copyrighted by said company and can be used for profit without providing any royalties. The sender is not responsible for any accidental damage caused by this email, including but not limited to: choking, explosions, weight gain, or deep depression. 

What you’re really saying: Bow down to me. I am the douche who emails you with this account to ask you about the status of my toilet paper on eBay.

5. The Philosopher and Prophet

—-
Spiritually with you,

John Everest

Thoughts arise in the midsts of the early dawn, upon which the sun kisses the earth and greets the children of the earth.

What you’re really saying: I like to read quotes and demonstrate my spirituality even though I got in a fight with the guy in front of me while waiting in line at McDonald’s today.

What does your email signature say?

Thanks,

Edwin

English: email envelope
English: email envelope (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Related articles

Is it cold where you live?

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There are funny pictures going around the internet about how people from Canada (aka, Canadians) think very little about the cold, and spend their times outdoors, shirtless, and eating ice cream while the temperature is below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. Or as they say it, “below 0”. They measure temperature in Celsius, just like the rest of the world.

But no, this post is not about making fun of Canadians, and it may actually encourage those of you from northern states and other parts of the world to make fun of us over here in California.

My blanket wakes me up every single morning. When my alarm goes off, promptly at 5:45am, I hear it and turn it off and wait for the second, third, fourth, and fifth alarms to go off before I fully wake up. But now, things are different. I take my arm out of the heat of the blanket and grab the phone only to find that it feels like an ice cube. So I bring it under the blanket with me and it fogs up. I then have to readjust the blanket and the cold forces me to run to the restroom and turn on the shower hoping that the steam will unfreeze my shampoo. 

No, I don’t live in an igloo or in the arctic. I live in northern California, where temperatures get down to around 27 degrees F in the mornings, and my landlord feels that its normal to keep the heating system at a nice 50 degrees throughout the night, and to keep the bathroom window open because of mold reasons. What the heck. It feels like I’m pooping in an ice block every morning. 

Sure, go on and make fun of me now. Tell me about your 10 degree weather, or minus 40 degree mornings as you head out to drill a hole in the lake to catch yourself some goldfish or whatever. 

Mind you, I have been used to a constant 78 degrees, with the occasional 40 degrees a couple of times every winter.. for over 20 years. Southern California, y’all. 

Now, the emergency awkward moment protocol can’t happen, because when confronted with something awkward, you can’t take out your cell phone and pretend to text because your hands will start turning red and then numb a little bit. Or you’ll be wearing gloves which would make touchscreen cell phones a bit useless. 

I did find a solution, however. Through careful observation of nature, I have learned a lot of things from the onion. 1) It makes your breath stinky, so its a good people repellant, and 2) it knows how to dress –in layers! I easily wear up to 6 layers of clothing when I leave the house and scrape the ice from my windshield, and by the time I come back home, I’m only wearing 5. Pretty awesome. Thanks nature.

How’s the weather on your end?

Edwin

Failing at Things

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Have you ever said “leetle” instead of “little” or something similar?

When you mispronounce something, you will get teased for a little bit. You just have to take it. It happens sometimes though, sort of like when you’re writing and the next word begins with the letter that the previous letter ends with and you…

Oh, right, let me explain:

Suppose you’re taking notes and the lecturer says “Many green ninjas.” Because of some weird supernatural phenomenon, you will be tempted to write “many gree ninjas”. Maybe it’s just me.

It isn’t that you forgot how to write, or how to speak… you just messed up. People fail at common things all the time, like eating ice cream.

 

Just sitting there.

And falling.

Of course you can also take something common and make awesome, like this guy:

 

Happy Monday!

 

Will you be paying together or separately? (Part 1 of 2)

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Talk about putting you on the spot.

I was out with a couple of new friends I had met at a bookstore, and eventually the group of five people turned into two: me and a brown-eyed girl with long dark hair. We talked about coffee and shared our views on unconscious cues that people give off. Both of us being deeply interested in human behavior, we had lots to talk about. It was around six o’clock in the evening, and the sidewalk was getting a bit crowded, so we stopped by a coffee shop that either sold really bad coffee, or was operating illegally because it was empty from what we could see from the outside. We walked in.

Sometimes you don’t know how to order at a new place, you know? Some people let you pay once you get your drink, others you pay up front, you can open up a tab, you can stuff your face and then pay later.. it can get quite confusing. The barista was cleaning something in the sink and asked what she could get for us, so I ordered a house coffee, and Megan ordered a latte with some other italian sounding words.

“It’ll be ready in a minute, guys! For here, or to go?”

I looked over to signal that we’re going to be heading out, and she looked directly at me and walks over to the cash register, wiping her hands on a towel. I walked over, and took out my wallet.

“Where are you guys coming from?”

“A bookstore,” I reply, “the one two blocks down, on Fourth.”

I handed her a ten dollar bill, and she held it without doing anything else. She looked at me and then at Megan. Then she asked, “Will you be paying together, or separately?”

Megan looked over, and stood up. I turned toward Megan.

“It’s OK, this one’s on me.”

“No, no. It’s OK.”

I looked at the barista, Kelly, her name tag read, and motioned her to accept it. Looking over my shoulder, Kelly opens her eyes widely toward Megan and says “Would you like to pay separately, honey?”

Megan froze. She looked at me, and then at Kelly.

Awkward.

I turned around toward Kelly and said, “It’s fine, just take my money,” trying to sound as casual as possible even the though I was awkwarded out.

Kelly waited for Megan to say something.

What was happening? Why was this such a big deal? I made an obviously confused facial expression for Megan, out of sight from Kelly.

Megan laughed.

“Yes, that’s fine. I’ll get you next time.”

Thank you, Megan. You just got us out of this strange situation. Pheew. Awkwardness averted.

Oh, wait.

There were no sounds coming from the cash register. Kelly was still looking at Megan, trying to communicate telepathically or something.

Silence.

I wanted to laugh.

Still silent.

“Are you sure?” she asked.

Silence again.

Megan didn’t know how to respond, and the whole situation was so awkward that we ended up paying separately.

…

What.

?

Why was this barista being so weird? We asked her. Her response may surprise you. Or not. Yeah, it probably won’t.

Any theories?

Part 2 of this story is coming up on Wednesday.