Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

poop

4. Waiting for your dog to finish pooping

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If you don’t know what I’m talking about here, you probably don’t walk your dog. Or worse: you don’t have one.

It has come to my attention that I don’t really know how to react when my dog starts doing his pre-pooping routine, which involves a Look of Guilt and begins to go around in circles with his hind legs a little too close to his front ones. Here it comes.

He’s sniffing around.

He’s embarrassed.

Oh.

..Yeah!

I find myself just standing there. Motionless. What if someone is watching? I’d rather avoid the eye contact. I always carry around the little baggies and the scooper thing. Sometimes I don’t bring the scooper thing and I just use the bag as a glove and flip it inside out. (Yeah, I don’t like thinking about it either. Oh, its warm by the way.)

Oh what!? That picture says “Pet waste pollutes drinking water sources.” What about all of those people guilty of public urination? Wait, we drink.. huh? Where does the water from the drinking fountains come from?

Anyway, so your dog is pooping and you’re just standing there. You don’t want to look at your dog taking a crap, you don’t want to look around in other directions because then you look like a troublemaker, and you can’t just avoid it and pretend it isn’t happening.

It has always been an awkward situation.

3. Someone uses the bathroom stall next to yours

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Tell Me If This Has Happened To You

I was taking care of business one lonely Wednesday afternoon in a restroom with about five toilet stalls. (For those of you [women] that are not familiar with men’s restrooms, they have toilet stalls and urinals. Urinals are for peeing, toilets are for pooping.) Remember, it was a lonely afternoon, so I was had the whole restroom to myself! Yeah! Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long because then I heard someone opening the door. He walked in, talking to himself (it sounded like he was half-singing “Love Story” by Taylor Swift) and chose my neighbor stall. Did he know I was there? I tried to make it obvious by tapping the toilet paper holder thing, and even went as far as making a grunting noise to warn the intruder.

 

It didn’t matter to him. He sat down and dropped the bomb (we’re allowed to use that word in blogs right? I don’t want to get another surprise visit by the FBI). Eventually, I realized that he didn’t really mind sitting in the bathroom stall next to someone else’s, since, after an awkward silence of no action going on, he managed to say:

“Aye bro, nice shoes.”

Well.. they were pretty cool-looking new Vans. Thanks man!

Bathroom Stall Etiquette

You have probably heard about bathroom etiquette in the past. First, let’s make sure that we’re on the same page here; I’m talking about those things dealing with the urinals and how– alright, might as well explain it:

1) You may not under any circumstance use a urinal next to one that is currently being used.

2) If the only urinal available is in between two guys, you must wait a safe distance from the scene of the urinating. Every once in a while, a brave but ignorant soul will take the chance and take the empty urinal. Do not follow his lead.

3) While in the toilet stalls, do not speak on your cell phone and keep all body parts inside your specified business area.

4) Do not apologize for farting. Hey, it’s natural.

5) If you really messed up the human gas to oxygen level ratio in the restroom and it feels as though you’re suffocating, do not come out of the stall smiling about it. You have ruined the bathroom experience for many. What is so funny about that?

What To Do

Anyway, when we are pooping and someone comes and uses the our neighbor stall we feel it. The awkward. We can no longer be free to express ourselves until he or she leaves. So what do you do? Well you could hold it until the other person leaves, but that is time consuming. You could just not care and finish up, or you could rush your experience. You can do what ever you want. I mean it could get worse:

What if you are both be waiting for each other to finish. You two will never get out. Awkward. Worse-er –What if someone else decides to join and wait.

63. Noticing that you're out of toilet paper

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…When it is too late.

La la la. . . going to the bathroom can be an enjoyable thing for certain people. They’ve come up with different names for that very important task. Heck, there is even a Toilet Paper Day (August 26th)! Anyway, it isn’t only known as “pooping” anymore, it is also known as many other things now. Taking a dump, dropping a bomb, releasing the brownies, dropping the kids off at the pool, unloading the truck. Plus some other ones that include stronger language.

However, one thing can definitely ruin that experience. After you sit down, begin to check your text messages and emails on your iPhone; and start playing Angry Birds and posting on your friend’s pictures on Facebook. . your eye might catch a glimpse of something horrible: A BROWN PAPER TUBE with a lonely sheet of toilet paper hanging from it that will definitely not get the job done. HA! And you considered yourself to be a risk taker. Good luck.

That moment; that instant when you see that your mind begins to think at a speed of 100,000 frames per second (I just made that up, so please no harsh criticism). A slow motion of this would look like this:

Oh no why didn’t I check? Can I tear up the tube and use that? Maybe there are spare rolls around here somewhere. Is it possible to clean with water? What if I just wash my hands afterwards? Receipts in my pocket! No that’s a bad idea. I’ll check the cabinet. Crap I can’t get up without making a mess. Dang it what did I eat!?

So what do you do in this situation? Uhh. . . well, you could always sacrifice a sock, I guess. Hey I don’t know. I thought my job was to just explain the moment!

Image source

22. Public restrooms

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Some restrooms at smaller places, such as coffee shops, usually are Single Rider restrooms. This particular type of restroom only has a one person limit with one toilet, one sink, one of everything. They’re very comfortable, actually. Not having to deal with stalls, or making eye contact with other people and no need to follow urinal laws.

The experience, however, has a different side to it; a very uncomfortable one.

After having to hold it for a while, you finally find a restroom and head right in. You poop (while checking your email, new text messages, perhaps play a short Angry Birds session on your iPhone, you know, the usual), and feel very relaxed. Suddenly, you hear something unexpected.

A knock on the door startles you and then you begin to feel the pressure. That’s right, friend. That is one of the sacrifices we must make in order to enjoy the luxury of one of these restrooms. At this moment, you must say something, otherwise this gives the person waiting full right to attempt to open the door. A typical response is “BUSY!” That should keep them away; well maybe just a couple of meters from the door anyway.

It can be very uncomfortable to be rushed when you’re taking care of business to know that someone is waiting for you to finish. It might even cut off the drive you had built up. Once you finish though, follow post-restroom protocol please. Fortunately for you, there is a quick way to remember what to do before you leave the restroom. Just remember C.H.I.T.

C- Cover. The seat cover must’ve flushed. Oh and make sure its not stuck to your pants. It doesn’t only happen in movies, trust me.

H- Hair. Leaving hair on the toilet seat or anywhere in the sink is just not cool, please remove it.

I- Instruments. Make sure that all bathroom equipment is fully functional, and that your poop has left the toilet bowl.

T- Toilet paper. All soiled paper must be properly disposed of.

What this acronym will not save you from, though, is the awkwardness that comes after leaving the restroom and having an encounter with the person that was waiting. The last thing they saw before they stepped into restroom was your face, and their objective as soon as they step in is to assess the environment, primarily the odor.

You might encounter people that leave restrooms saying:

“Uh, yeah.. you don’t want to go in there.”

“I dropped a bomb, heads up.”

“..sorry..”  Or they might just smile at you.

I’m still not sure which one of those is most awkward, but they’re all pretty high up there. Don’t worry though, usually people that are willing to wait for you outside of the restroom probably have to use it badly, so they won’t mind the smell that much (unless its toxic), but they will mind anything on the CHIT list.

 Image sources: Top, bottom

#9 Farts

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Even the word sounds awkward.

Fart.

I was studying at the university library one day, and I was in a hurry because I was behind on my work, and I needed to go to the post office before it closed. I was at a table by a huge window, and couches next to me. On one of the couches, I could see a backpack leaning on it with a young man with his legs and arms crossed. He must’ve been napping. After some frustration, I took off my earphones and just stared at my paper for about a minute (it happens all the time) when my frustration got interrupted.

I heard a loud fart coming from the couch next to me. The guy tried to jump up and fell off the couch with a loud thump. Not only that, but he also spilled his water in the bottle and looked in my direction by using the couch as a shield and slowly creeping upwards to see the rest of us looking at him. He turned bright red. His own fart woke him up and scared him. How embarrassing.

The girl I was sharing the table with looked at me, and that’s what did it. I couldn’t help it. I tried really hard not to laugh, my attempts sounded like a mix between a cough and a sneeze combined with baby noises. Yeah, imagine that.

Of course, there are many different situations in which this could be more uncomfortable.

from moonbattery.com

Imagine you’re in a car with only one passenger and then suddenly an unpleasant smell begins to surround the air inside the vehicle. Obviously, one of the two people in the car must have farted, but what is more interesting is that the person that didn’t fart knows he or she didn’t. And the person that farted knows he or she farted. You both know.

Awkward?

Or what if you decide to roll down the window a little in your car and suddenly a smell begins to penetrate your car. The other person might think that you had planned to air out the car after you farted. There’s no way of proving that you didn’t fart.

Of course, it is pretty hilarious to think about farts. Especially when they put you in uncomfortable situations, like when:

1) The old man waiting in front of you in line lets one rip.

2) When babies fart, and they find it funny.

3) When dogs fart.

People have been farting since the beginning of time, why haven’t we gotten used to it? I guess the thought of gas going from the colon to someone else’s lungs is a bit unpleasant to think about.