Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

rules

3. Someone uses the bathroom stall next to yours

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Tell Me If This Has Happened To You

I was taking care of business one lonely Wednesday afternoon in a restroom with about five toilet stalls. (For those of you [women] that are not familiar with men’s restrooms, they have toilet stalls and urinals. Urinals are for peeing, toilets are for pooping.) Remember, it was a lonely afternoon, so I was had the whole restroom to myself! Yeah! Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long because then I heard someone opening the door. He walked in, talking to himself (it sounded like he was half-singing “Love Story” by Taylor Swift) and chose my neighbor stall. Did he know I was there? I tried to make it obvious by tapping the toilet paper holder thing, and even went as far as making a grunting noise to warn the intruder.

 

It didn’t matter to him. He sat down and dropped the bomb (we’re allowed to use that word in blogs right? I don’t want to get another surprise visit by the FBI). Eventually, I realized that he didn’t really mind sitting in the bathroom stall next to someone else’s, since, after an awkward silence of no action going on, he managed to say:

“Aye bro, nice shoes.”

Well.. they were pretty cool-looking new Vans. Thanks man!

Bathroom Stall Etiquette

You have probably heard about bathroom etiquette in the past. First, let’s make sure that we’re on the same page here; I’m talking about those things dealing with the urinals and how– alright, might as well explain it:

1) You may not under any circumstance use a urinal next to one that is currently being used.

2) If the only urinal available is in between two guys, you must wait a safe distance from the scene of the urinating. Every once in a while, a brave but ignorant soul will take the chance and take the empty urinal. Do not follow his lead.

3) While in the toilet stalls, do not speak on your cell phone and keep all body parts inside your specified business area.

4) Do not apologize for farting. Hey, it’s natural.

5) If you really messed up the human gas to oxygen level ratio in the restroom and it feels as though you’re suffocating, do not come out of the stall smiling about it. You have ruined the bathroom experience for many. What is so funny about that?

What To Do

Anyway, when we are pooping and someone comes and uses the our neighbor stall we feel it. The awkward. We can no longer be free to express ourselves until he or she leaves. So what do you do? Well you could hold it until the other person leaves, but that is time consuming. You could just not care and finish up, or you could rush your experience. You can do what ever you want. I mean it could get worse:

What if you are both be waiting for each other to finish. You two will never get out. Awkward. Worse-er –What if someone else decides to join and wait.

21. First dates

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Do you remember yours? You had a horse drawn carriage pick you up, and take you to an expensive restaurant. Nobody was under/over dressed, there were no awkward silences, the food on the Italian restaurant menu was easy to pronounce. . . Perfection.

Lucky you.

It was the second week of college, and I had gotten my first number, but still struggled on how to ask out a woman. A friend of mine offered me tickets to a “concert”. She mentioned that it was going to be hip hop, cool people, and her boyfriend was going to perform.

“Oh, sure. How much?”

“Ten dollars.”

I got the pair of tickets and called Amy that same night. She said yes, and we set the time for me to go pick her up and head over the following week. There was a California Pizza Kitchen (CPK) nearby, and the plan was to hit both places that night. I was excited, but scared at the same time for not knowing what this whole thing was going to be about. After discussing it with my roommate, I decided that there was nothing to be fearful about and that I was just going to wing it to have a good time.

The day had finally arrived and we headed over to the center of L.A. My first sign of trouble was the traffic, which wasn’t supposed to take place for another two hours. That usually means one of two things: an accident, or construction on the roads. I wasn’t panicking –there was no need to. The need for panic was coming up later that night.

We arrived at CPK, only to find a large yellow tape across the front door. It apparently had a recent problem and was forced to close for the day. Still not panicking, I looked over at Amy and she smiled and suggested we go elsewhere, and pointed across the street. Oh, Carl’s Jr. Well, at least she didn’t mind cheap food. I admitted feeling a little embarrassed that I took her to eat burgers at a fast food place, but she made me feel a little better by telling me that it was her first time at one of them.

The failure didn’t end there. As we arrived at the address listed on the tickets, we found ourselves in front of a bar. After having our hands marked with HUGE X’s they let us in. We followed a girl with big hoop earrings through the bar and into .. the backyard!?

Oh no. Trash cans on fire, five or six people maximum out there, and a large speaker in the front of what they called a “stage”. People attempting to rap were taking over, and that’s when I realized that I was in some type of underground rapping joint and that I needed to get out of there to stop myself from being less embarrassed. Amy felt uncomfortable, and so did I. We agreed to leave the place after about half an hour and then headed back to campus. She went to her dorm room, and that was that.

Many things have changed since then. I still wing it sometimes because the improvisation makes it really fun and interesting, but I always try to be prepared. Looking up traffic conditions, making sure eateries are operational, and I have a super secret backup idea just in case all else fails.

Three years later, Amy and I bumped into each other on campus. We agreed that our date had been awkward. She pointed out that she didn’t know what to say, that she was overdressed for the occasion, and that she had trouble understanding what the people were rapping about.

#15 When food falls before reaching your mouth

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You finally get to scoop up a large piece of delicious chicken. It has been specially cooked for you, just how you like it. You can smell it, and steam is still making its way up toward the heavens as it begins to approach your mouth. When suddenly…

It drops.

It is common from people from different cultures explain this rare phenomenon. One of the ones that I have actually started to believe says that when your food falls off your spoon it means that somebody, somewhere in the world, is craving the food you are about to eat.

So THEY’RE the cause of this!?

Ugh.

All anger set aside, the result can be pretty uncomfortable. It might fall on your plate, and you might give it a second shot. At this point, however, please be aware that it might fall a second time and you  know that saying (slightly modified for specific purposes):

“If you drop once, shame on you (food), if you drop twice, shame on me.”

But what if it falls on the table? If anybody watched you fail at eating, they suddenly might become judges. Will you pick up with your hand and eat it? Will you try to get it from the table with your fork? Will you put it back on your plate? Leave it there? Offer it to someone else? No one will be happy with your final decision, or they might just be happy with any of them because they just don’t care. They have their food, you have yours. Right?

Though I don’t specialize in techniques for eating, I can tell you how to settle this situation when it happens (because after all, I do specialize in awkward):

1) Whatever you decide to do with the food that fell off, do it instantly and have no regrets.

2) If someone at your table laughs at your misfortune, laugh about it. If you’re too angry to laugh, make up a story of why your food fell and tell them as though you actually believe it. Blame others if you have to.

3) If you do drop it on the table, a quick swipe of your napkin settles it (unless you’re a firm believer in the 5-second rule, where you have five seconds to pick up your food and eat it . . . follow your beliefs, I don’t discriminate.)

Remember: the food is yours.

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