Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

urinal

3. Someone uses the bathroom stall next to yours

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Tell Me If This Has Happened To You

I was taking care of business one lonely Wednesday afternoon in a restroom with about five toilet stalls. (For those of you [women] that are not familiar with men’s restrooms, they have toilet stalls and urinals. Urinals are for peeing, toilets are for pooping.) Remember, it was a lonely afternoon, so I was had the whole restroom to myself! Yeah! Unfortunately, that didn’t last very long because then I heard someone opening the door. He walked in, talking to himself (it sounded like he was half-singing “Love Story” by Taylor Swift) and chose my neighbor stall. Did he know I was there? I tried to make it obvious by tapping the toilet paper holder thing, and even went as far as making a grunting noise to warn the intruder.

 

It didn’t matter to him. He sat down and dropped the bomb (we’re allowed to use that word in blogs right? I don’t want to get another surprise visit by the FBI). Eventually, I realized that he didn’t really mind sitting in the bathroom stall next to someone else’s, since, after an awkward silence of no action going on, he managed to say:

“Aye bro, nice shoes.”

Well.. they were pretty cool-looking new Vans. Thanks man!

Bathroom Stall Etiquette

You have probably heard about bathroom etiquette in the past. First, let’s make sure that we’re on the same page here; I’m talking about those things dealing with the urinals and how– alright, might as well explain it:

1) You may not under any circumstance use a urinal next to one that is currently being used.

2) If the only urinal available is in between two guys, you must wait a safe distance from the scene of the urinating. Every once in a while, a brave but ignorant soul will take the chance and take the empty urinal. Do not follow his lead.

3) While in the toilet stalls, do not speak on your cell phone and keep all body parts inside your specified business area.

4) Do not apologize for farting. Hey, it’s natural.

5) If you really messed up the human gas to oxygen level ratio in the restroom and it feels as though you’re suffocating, do not come out of the stall smiling about it. You have ruined the bathroom experience for many. What is so funny about that?

What To Do

Anyway, when we are pooping and someone comes and uses the our neighbor stall we feel it. The awkward. We can no longer be free to express ourselves until he or she leaves. So what do you do? Well you could hold it until the other person leaves, but that is time consuming. You could just not care and finish up, or you could rush your experience. You can do what ever you want. I mean it could get worse:

What if you are both be waiting for each other to finish. You two will never get out. Awkward. Worse-er –What if someone else decides to join and wait.

63. Noticing that you're out of toilet paper

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…When it is too late.

La la la. . . going to the bathroom can be an enjoyable thing for certain people. They’ve come up with different names for that very important task. Heck, there is even a Toilet Paper Day (August 26th)! Anyway, it isn’t only known as “pooping” anymore, it is also known as many other things now. Taking a dump, dropping a bomb, releasing the brownies, dropping the kids off at the pool, unloading the truck. Plus some other ones that include stronger language.

However, one thing can definitely ruin that experience. After you sit down, begin to check your text messages and emails on your iPhone; and start playing Angry Birds and posting on your friend’s pictures on Facebook. . your eye might catch a glimpse of something horrible: A BROWN PAPER TUBE with a lonely sheet of toilet paper hanging from it that will definitely not get the job done. HA! And you considered yourself to be a risk taker. Good luck.

That moment; that instant when you see that your mind begins to think at a speed of 100,000 frames per second (I just made that up, so please no harsh criticism). A slow motion of this would look like this:

Oh no why didn’t I check? Can I tear up the tube and use that? Maybe there are spare rolls around here somewhere. Is it possible to clean with water? What if I just wash my hands afterwards? Receipts in my pocket! No that’s a bad idea. I’ll check the cabinet. Crap I can’t get up without making a mess. Dang it what did I eat!?

So what do you do in this situation? Uhh. . . well, you could always sacrifice a sock, I guess. Hey I don’t know. I thought my job was to just explain the moment!

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54. The peeing noise

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I personally believe that the word “pee” came about the sound that you make when you’re peeing.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………….

O.K., so maybe it didn’t. Do you have any other ideas?

Every once in a while, I am forced to pee when there are other people around. In a public restroom, at a friend’s house, etc. But every time I do, I try very hard to avoid making the sound of liquid falling on more liquid. I just find it awkward that other people can hear the sound of my urine hitting the toilet water.

People imagine you peeing when they hear you pee.

Think about this: when you can hear something, but can’t see it, don’t you tend to visualize it? I don’t want people visualizing my urination session. Besides, some people are skilled enough to figure out how much longer you will be peeing based on the tone of the peeing noise. So what do I do to prevent it? I aim at the inner part of the toilet bowl wall above the water level (because I can —sorry ladies). It works most of the time!

Which reminds me, different genders have different views about this. All I know is that I’ve heard that sound coming from both men and women, and I was a bit surprised to find out that they’re very different:

Men: Constant stream, slower stream, drip, drip, flush.

Women: Splash, splash, stream, splash, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, *tearing of toilet paper sound*, long pause, flush.

Talk about complicated..

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45. Getting a call while sitting on the toilet

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A lot of things can be considered unacceptable nowadays: Farting while on a formal dinner, stealing from an old lady, and multitasking if one of those tasks includes urinating.

One that our technological society is still refusing to accept is answering a call while you’re sitting on the toilet. Pay attention everybody, cell phones were created to tie us down and force us to be at the disposal of the others at all times. How many times has your cell phone rang while it is inconvenient to answer? What do you do? That’s easy. You silence it, or just ignore it and enjoy your ringtone. Some of us though, are a bit different; maybe the word I’m looking for is more “polite” or “nicer”.

I feel bad when I don’t answer a phone call. So many people send a text instead nowadays, that a call is like “Whoa! Someone is actually calling me!” I bet some people out there wish for a phone that would just text and not include a voice plan.

Back to our feature presentation:

Suppose you are relaxing on the toilet (.. err or um, what ever you call it), and your phone starts to ring. Oh wow, it is the call you have been waiting for! Yes! They are calling you back to offer you an interview to work at their company. Oh wait, you’re busy.

Perhaps it is a bit painful to just watch a call go to waste if you’re not actually busy, you’re just waiting to finish pooping. I don’t know how intense these sessions might get for some of you, but typically there isn’t much action; there is just a lot of waiting involved. So while you’re awkwardly sitting there just looking at your phone play your favorite John Mayer song, the person on the other line is waiting for something too: for you to answer!

This can be a bit more awkward in public restrooms, and even more so when your ringtone is just plain embarrassing and it scares the comrades on the surrounding bathroom stalls.

What ever you decide to do in such a situation, take into consideration that many people tend to imagine what the other person is doing when they call them. If I call someone and I hear a lot of wind in the background, I imagine that they are in a car. Or horseback riding. If you hear a lot of people talking [party], if the person is screaming at you [at a concert], if you hear somewhat of an echo [in the bathroom. . . or in a cave].

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22. Public restrooms

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Some restrooms at smaller places, such as coffee shops, usually are Single Rider restrooms. This particular type of restroom only has a one person limit with one toilet, one sink, one of everything. They’re very comfortable, actually. Not having to deal with stalls, or making eye contact with other people and no need to follow urinal laws.

The experience, however, has a different side to it; a very uncomfortable one.

After having to hold it for a while, you finally find a restroom and head right in. You poop (while checking your email, new text messages, perhaps play a short Angry Birds session on your iPhone, you know, the usual), and feel very relaxed. Suddenly, you hear something unexpected.

A knock on the door startles you and then you begin to feel the pressure. That’s right, friend. That is one of the sacrifices we must make in order to enjoy the luxury of one of these restrooms. At this moment, you must say something, otherwise this gives the person waiting full right to attempt to open the door. A typical response is “BUSY!” That should keep them away; well maybe just a couple of meters from the door anyway.

It can be very uncomfortable to be rushed when you’re taking care of business to know that someone is waiting for you to finish. It might even cut off the drive you had built up. Once you finish though, follow post-restroom protocol please. Fortunately for you, there is a quick way to remember what to do before you leave the restroom. Just remember C.H.I.T.

C- Cover. The seat cover must’ve flushed. Oh and make sure its not stuck to your pants. It doesn’t only happen in movies, trust me.

H- Hair. Leaving hair on the toilet seat or anywhere in the sink is just not cool, please remove it.

I- Instruments. Make sure that all bathroom equipment is fully functional, and that your poop has left the toilet bowl.

T- Toilet paper. All soiled paper must be properly disposed of.

What this acronym will not save you from, though, is the awkwardness that comes after leaving the restroom and having an encounter with the person that was waiting. The last thing they saw before they stepped into restroom was your face, and their objective as soon as they step in is to assess the environment, primarily the odor.

You might encounter people that leave restrooms saying:

“Uh, yeah.. you don’t want to go in there.”

“I dropped a bomb, heads up.”

“..sorry..”  Or they might just smile at you.

I’m still not sure which one of those is most awkward, but they’re all pretty high up there. Don’t worry though, usually people that are willing to wait for you outside of the restroom probably have to use it badly, so they won’t mind the smell that much (unless its toxic), but they will mind anything on the CHIT list.

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