Awkward List

Awkward moments and more weird stuff

women

61. When your parents talk about sex

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“Dear Edwin,

I have to tell you about a situation that happened with a friend of mine. While a friend and her family were in the living room together, her mom looked through a book about sex for couples. This would’ve been fine, except her mom decided to comment on the book.

‘This book has a lot of good points, but they forgot one thing: the usage of toys for women who can’t have orgasms during sex. I’m one of them.’

According to my friend, her dad was just there not saying anything. Awkward.

Sincerely,

Trees.”

– – – – – – –

I know what some of you might be thinking.

Edwin, I don’t believe this is awkward. My parents and I talk about this topic all of the time and we’re all very mature about it and and and…

Alright, then use this post to find out what the other 97% of the population thinks.

Well, Trees. .

Yes definitely awkward. What is a person supposed to say when a parent begins to talk about such a topic? Nobody wants to think about their parents doing it no matter how old you are. When sex gets brought up in a conversation and your parents talk about it, it can be a pretty uncomfortable situation. I’m curious to know how the rest of the conversation went, or if her dad ever said anything about it though.

Talk about awkward. . what do you guys think?

 

55. When you can hear people doing it

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It is late at night, and you are finally getting ready to go to sleep. For two nights in a row, you’ve been awakened at night by a tapping noise coming from the apartment next to yours but cannot identify it in your half-asleep state –but not tonight. Tonight you will sleep like a baby. Teeth brushed, pajamas ready, and the alarm is set. You’ve been waiting for this moment all day. Suddenly you hear something. What? A song, a soft jazzy tune coming from your neighbor’s place. A voice begins to sing, and you can recognize it. Oh yes, you know this song:

I’ve been really tryin’ baby
Tryin’ to hold back this feeling for so long. . .

This late? Why would anyone be playing a song at this –Oh. Oh no.

. . . Let’s get it on, sugar
Let’s get it on
Whoo, ooh, ooh . . .

And there they go.

Whether the sound is coming from the apartment next door, or from the floor above yours, such a situation is just plain uncomfortable. What makes matters worse is that if it happens every night, you eventually start to become familiar with the sequence. Either a soft tapping noise that gets louder and louder, loud noises and a lot of squeaking, or it could happen like just like the above scenario. You’ll know the pattern, duration, intensity, etc. If you ever have overnight guests, and they’re about to complain about it, you might even tell them,

“Oh, don’t worry, they’ll be done in about 3 and a half more minutes.”

“How do you know?” they’ll ask.

“Uh. . .”

But what are you supposed to do? You can ask them to stop, ask them to keep it down, or let them be. Asking them to stop or keep it down is pretty awkward (and it isn’t very nice), but if you let them be, they won’t know that anybody can hear them and they will keep going at it for a while. Decisions, decisions.

. . . Just let yourself go
Oh, baby
Let’s get it on . . .

(Song: Let’s Get It On, Marvin Gaye)

54. The peeing noise

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I personally believe that the word “pee” came about the sound that you make when you’re peeing.

Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee………….

O.K., so maybe it didn’t. Do you have any other ideas?

Every once in a while, I am forced to pee when there are other people around. In a public restroom, at a friend’s house, etc. But every time I do, I try very hard to avoid making the sound of liquid falling on more liquid. I just find it awkward that other people can hear the sound of my urine hitting the toilet water.

People imagine you peeing when they hear you pee.

Think about this: when you can hear something, but can’t see it, don’t you tend to visualize it? I don’t want people visualizing my urination session. Besides, some people are skilled enough to figure out how much longer you will be peeing based on the tone of the peeing noise. So what do I do to prevent it? I aim at the inner part of the toilet bowl wall above the water level (because I can —sorry ladies). It works most of the time!

Which reminds me, different genders have different views about this. All I know is that I’ve heard that sound coming from both men and women, and I was a bit surprised to find out that they’re very different:

Men: Constant stream, slower stream, drip, drip, flush.

Women: Splash, splash, stream, splash, drip, drip, drip, drip, drip, *tearing of toilet paper sound*, long pause, flush.

Talk about complicated..

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48. Asking a non-pregnant woman when the baby is due

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Yes, it happens.

Definitely one of the lesser known ones, yet carries a lot of awkwardness power! I mean hey, some people out there might have a little belly that gives the impression of a pregnancy, but even then some people consider it “too much to ask” for fear of offending the other person.

But c’mon, sometimes you are pretty darn sure that the woman is pregnant. She might even put her hand on her belly, just like the ladies on the image of cool pregnant women on the right of this paragraph. Or maybe she just gives off that maternal vibe by acting super nice and smiling all the time.

“Oh my! Congratulations!”

“Uh, thank you?”

“When is your baby due?”

“Oh no, I’m not pregnant.”

Oops! She wasn’t pregnant. At this point, you might wish for something else to take the attention off of you, but just wishing won’t do very much here. Sorry buddy, you’re on your own. But hey, some women might actually be pregnant and find it extremely nice for someone to notice and congratulate them. It is one of those risks that some people are willing to take. Besides, some people say that life is “all about taking risks”, right? Certain people are natural risk takers, so uh, good for them.

[Thanks maximsmadness]

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20. Being asked “Did you just wake up?”

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It was a cold morning, you know, one of those mornings when your blanket reaches the perfect warmth just as your alarm clock decides to ring. It must have taken all of the effort in the world to get me up that day; I only had one lecture at 8:00am. After self-encouragement, turning on the television, putting on my iPod earphones to pump some jumpy music, I finally rolled out of bed. Brushed my teeth, got my cereal and coffee, showered, and then I began feeling mighty fine! I got ready for my class and went out there into the university.

I was early so while I was waiting outside of my building when a friend of mine decided to stop by and sit on the bench with me.

“Good morning, Edwin”, she said while giving me a look that made me feel self-conscious, “did you just wake up?”

No! I had woken up two hours prior! I’m feeling good! What have you done to me? 

I responded with a “no, did you?” and she got a bit angry and pulled out a little thing (ladies, help me out here..), a circular thing that opened like an oyster and had a mirror on it and started acting all funny, I could tell she was feeling uncomfortable. If I had known she was going to get all weird about it, I would’ve kept my mouth shut. Oops. I guess it was a little messed up.

I mean, she made her point clear. I could’ve just said many things and gotten the same response:

“NOW  I see why girls need makeup.. ”

“Bad hair day?”

“You look like crap today, but how do you feel, friend?”

I’ve been trying to think of how to properly respond to such a question, you know, something else to say besides “No, did you?”.

Any ideas?