121. When you get introduced to an ugly baby, and are forced to fake an “Oh my god, he’s so cute” face
Some people have a real fear of having an ugly baby. Of course nobody really says it, but its one of those things that people wonder.. I’m assuming. I’m not a mother, and will most likely never be but why wouldn’t you wonder things like: What if they develop artistic abilities vs. technical ones? Will they be left-handed? And if you wonder those things, what is wrong with imagining what their height or level of ugliness will be?
Real mothers out there would defend against this by saying that they would love the child no matter what he or she looks like and that’s fine and that I’m being shallow blah blah blah, I’ll read and reply to your comments anyway, but that isn’t my argument here!
Imagine the following:
Your friend greets you at her front door and says to you,
“Hey, I’m so excited you’re here! Come on, he is playing in the den right now,” with a huge smile.
“Awesome, I can’t wait to meet him,” you reply, excitedly.
“There he is!”
And you’re all like:
“Oh my–” you say, half choking on your own saliva, “he’s ad–adorable,”
Mothers get offended when you call their ugly babies ugly for some reason, I’ve seen it happen. At a Walmart (yes, it always happens at Walmart) while waiting in line to pay, a woman looked at the stroller of the lady behind her, and said:
“Oh my gosh! Look at you.. your clothes are so cute,” with her eyebrows up and in that weird voice people make when they look at babies (yes, we all know you have one too..).
“Isn’t she? Thank you,” the mother said.
“Her clothes really are!” the other lady replied.
Now I’m not sure if the other lady meant it in a mean way because quite frankly I don’t understand women and their multi-dimensional hidden messages, but I did catch a glimpse of the kid, and she looked like she had a wig on or something, nothing too weird. What happened after got awkward, FAST.
“Uh, excuse me?!” *insert a Z-snap here*
“OH, oh no. I’m sorry I didn’t mean that– No. Sorry,” the other lady said to the mother.
“Yeah, I’m sure yours were mini Angelina Jolies,” the angry mother replied.
I was behind them, and I left. Crazy stuff goes down at Walmart, yes I saw that video of someone getting run over by a shopping cart. Or was that Best Buy? Either way I was gone.
In my defense, both women were large.
I’ve been introduced to plenty of babies ugly and cute, and it usually doesn’t get too awkward because I follow a specific protocol.
1. Avoid making a face like this:
2. Do not assume a gender. Nowadays people dress boys in pink and girls in blue sometimes in order to stay away from traditional gender roles. If you see the kid playing with a Tonka truck, DO NOT FALL FOR IT. Don’t even take earrings or bows as hints. Ok, that may be a little extreme but its better to be safe than sorry.
3. Know what to say: Compliment, ask a question, and smile. Compliments can be directed toward the mother or the child, questions can be about the child’s age, where the child was born, but stay away from questions like “Who is the father?” and stuff.
To look at pictures of ugly babies on TheChive, click here!
Meh, I think all babies are ugly. If anyone ever tells me my future babies are ugly, I’ll just be like, “I know, right?! lol”
I don’t understand the world of women and their implied meanings either, and I am one, so…there’s that.
Ha! Funny story!
Lorna's Voice says
Great pictures! I’m probably among the <1% of females that won't go running over to an infant and won't want to see pictures of anyone's new child or grandchild. If my son ever has children, I hope some maternal instinct makes an effort at a reprisal… 😐
Viciously Sweet says
Sometimes I read your blog and think we have the same mind thoughts! I am afraid to encounter ugly babies because I really do make those faces! And even worse than that I super hate lying, so I look at an ugly baby and go “Well that definitely is a baby”! I also try to look excited. I should not give away my secrets on the internet… but it’s too late for that now.
Also I walk away from all fights in my vicinity at Wal-marts too, there are some really scary people in those aisles.
Meghna N says
I wasn’t logged in when I read this post and so I could see adverts on your blog. And believe it or not, the advert on top said “firstcry.com: Buy toys @ 37% off for 0-12 year olds!” And the one on the side said, “What will your baby look like? Click here to find out!” Haha!
A funny one, Edwin!
Again, am totally getting you here. Once saw an enormous baby that looked like Bagpuss and just felt so relieved I didn’t know the parents and wouldn’t have to think up something nice to say
hahah oh no. SO awkward! I can’t help but think of that Seinfeld episode where Jerry and elaine visit their friend’s baby and it is anything but cute. The expression on their face was priceless 🙂
you are my other half, yeah in the creepiest way possible. I think it’s impossible to act normal to an ugly baby. they are technically supposed to be cute, but sometimes, shit happens.
she has an ugly baby